WTF, Customer?

First off, apparently this game actually exists. If you don’t believe me, go check out its page on gamespot. While just minding my p’s and q’s, a customer will inexplicably come up and ask for products so absurd, that asking if they are serious or not doesn’t feel so inappropriate. This week, one asked me for a game she thought was called “Lawn Mower Racing 2007”. She then proceeded to describe the cover by informing me “it has a guy racing a lawn mower on the cover.” Thanks for the heads up.

She was quickly informed such a product was not in stock, not because of its absurdity and niche market. The reason rather being that it was older, although we do not carry Lawn Mower Racing Mania 2009. The idea that this game was created still blows my mind, let alone the fact that there is a whole group of people out there who are into lawn mower racing. Enough people to necessitate the creation of this game. Mania probably doesn’t begin to describe it. Video of the game in action, with horrible review commentary after the break.

Dark Knight Alternate Ending

Too soon?

TIE Fighter Sells for More $$$ than Signed Abe Lincoln Photo.

Stuff it Abe!

Recently, in the 32nd Annual Profiles in history Auction, an original TIE Fighter model used in A New Hope sold for $402,500 to an extremely wealthy virgin. Check out a description of it here.

A signed photograph of Abe Lincoln went for a measly $207,000. That’s like, two TIE Fighters.

Saw V Poster

Wait. Does anyone even give a shit about these movies anymore? Regardless, it’s a pretty creative poster. Suckers might think it’s a sequel to V featuring a race of clichés.

Salem Douchebag of the Week

Captain Negro

Like most authentic originals, Captain Negro has endured the storms of kiddie critics and wary parents. He is a true Salem original; a facsimile of this man does not exist. On the other urine soaked hand (keep reading), he’s an asshole. First impressions would make one think he’s your run-of-the-mill wobbly-legged-morlock of the Point. And thinking this will consistently spark some sympathy in that huge heart of yours. But don’t be so hasty, brothers and sisters. This dude sucks. He once went through my line when I worked for Starbucks and he handed me a wet bill. Wet because he had pissed himself. On certain occasions he would ask for a pastry, then just walk out with it; cool as a cucumber. And why not? Anyone who pisses themselves in a coffee joint clearly does not give a fuck.

Let’s rewind to him being an original. Anyone can see there’s something dead-endish about this bad bladder baby, baby. But you can’t hate him too hard because he just dresses Too Fresh. How fresh? Here’s a brief list of gear the Captain has been seen rocking:

Wal-Mart Vest, Graduation Cap, Digital Camo, Simultaneous Multiple Fanny Packs, Faux Zebra Skin Hat a la Dr. Seuss, & most recently, a plastic bag attatched to his belt filled with after-dinner mints.

Honestly dude, can your style get any more fucking righteous? I’ve never seen the word ‘retrofitting’ applied to personal clothing style before; man you are it! You may walk on the fringe of insanity, oh Captain my Captain, but we’ll look past your heinous funk and creepy peepers as long as you keep up the freshness.

Red McGowan

For those of you who havn’t heard, Robert Rodriguez is boinking Rose McGowan.  She now has her meal ticket, because Rodriguez has decided to cast her as the lead in his unnecessary re-makes of Red Sonja and Barbarella.  Here are two possible posters for Red Sonja.

 

Sexy? Duh! Who wouldn’t want to see Rose McGowan wearing next to nothing.  The re-make just isn’t needed.  She should just dress like this all the time and save production companies a fortune.

My Name is Bruce

I’m unsure as to when this will be released, but it will surely make the heavens shake.

Lost Boys 2: The Tribe Review

Tonight will go down in history as the night my brain melted (and not in that ‘I just went to a killer show’ kind of way). Two “friends” of mine forced me to watch Lost Boys 2: The Tribe, against my will. Why a film like this was ever made, I can’t say. What can be said is that this movie took everything beautiful from the first, took a steaming dump on it, pissed on it, scooped it up, shoved it up Schumacher’s ass, mixed it around, shit it out again, then took another piss on it, and set it on fire. You will need a Neuralizer to watch this movie, just so you can forget that you watched it. My childhood has officially been murdered.