“Alien Vs. Hunter” = Totally Unwatchable….Literally

May 21, 2013


(the tagline says: “Battlezone: EARTH”…like it matters)

Wow.  This is a first.  I have never in my life come across a movie that is such a blatant ripoff.  Really?  Alien Vs. Hunter?  They couldn’t even come up with a vaguely different name?  We’re witnessing a new form of lazy which requires a whole new word.  I mean, who in the hell did they think they were fooling?  They almost got me.  Almost.  Thankfully, they have a crackerjack team of writers over at Netflix.  What they came up with for a synopsis is pure gold: Read the rest of this entry »

Meh At The End Of The Street

May 19, 2013


There really isn’t all that much to do when you’re working the graveyard shift.  Reading books and channel surfing tends to play a huge part in the down-time.  But ever since Netflix became available to me, via my phone and other media, I’ve been privy to the seemingly endless supply of mediocre movies they’ve acquired.  Tonight I took the Netflix wheel o’ wonders for a spin and was rewarded with indifference.  Ladies and gentlemen, here are my thoughts on House at the End of the Street. Read the rest of this entry »

“Jennifer’s Body” Puts The SUCK In Succubus

April 21, 2011

Waiting for the hype of new films to die out is kind of my thing.  I stress out enough thinking about how much of my gut is sticking out of the bottom of my t-shirt, so spending two hours in a packed theater with hormone riddled high schoolers and overly excited nerds is something I can do without.  Every now and then a film gets released that requires me to dawn my armor and venture forth, but Jennifer’s Body wasn’t one of ’em. Read the rest of this entry »

Strike A Poster, Steve Rogers!

March 14, 2011

I guess ole Cap will be taking a little side-quest to Silent Hill at some point.  I’d totally watch that.

New “THOR” Poster

December 13, 2010

That does it.  It’s time for me to lawyer up and make these pricks stop snapping candid shots of me.  Like, seriously.  All they had to do was ask.  I could’ve given them a much more bad-ass pose than this.  Something tells me I won’t even get any cash for them using my likeness.  But if this film makes people smile and praise the Gods, I’ll be fine with that.

5 Most Underrated Horror Flix

October 29, 2010

Halloween time has snapped its rotting head in our direction, and boy is my DVD collection running for the hills.  While most people are torturing their young with new and horrific ways to cram them into mom-made animal/object/food costumes, I’m busy mutilating my horror movie section for a night of gore-filled bliss. Read the rest of this entry »

New “Tron Legacy” Poster

October 20, 2010

Let’s see how many different funny things I can come up with about this poster: Read the rest of this entry »

“Skyline” Movie Poster

September 9, 2010

Why do aliens have a major beef with tall buildings?  Did the biggest building in the universe fall over and crush their planet leaving them all pissed off?  Do they simply loathe exercise and haven’t developed elevator technology causing them to be super jealous of us?  I think they are sending us a clear message that one day we will make a building so tall that it will cause our ultimate destruction.

New Image From The “Fright Night” Remake

September 6, 2010

So this time around Peter Vincent is a saiyan?  I don’t remember Roddy McDowall being able to fire energy balls, do you?

She’s Got The Looks That De-Rez

September 1, 2010

One should not control a recognizer when this program is operating.  Your system will crash forever.

Poster For Night Of The Demons: A Remake

August 31, 2010

There’s only one proper thing to say about this….EAT A BOWL OF FUCK!

Rob Zombie’s “HALLOWEEN 2”: I’d Rather Watch “THE BEING”

June 5, 2010

I just pissed away 2 damn hours watching this crap, and I still have no damn clue what I just watched.  The only thing I understood was that I love when hot girls show their boobs.  Thanks for sucking my life away, Rob Zombie.  Your terrible use of unnecessary symbolism, crappy plastering of celebrity cameos, and utter lack of any sort of story truly made my Saturday afternoon.

P.S. – Since when could Loomis teleport?

New “PREDATORS” Poster Sports A Burnt Brody

May 24, 2010

Boy.  Those Predators hunt like velociraptors.  Just when you think you’ve spotted one, you get targeted by 3 others that you never knew were there, then another impales you from behind.  Cleaver girl.

Gattaca: Science, Murder, And Space Travel

February 11, 2010

Vincent Freeman is a special child.  He is one of the few people left in the distant future to have been created without the use of genetics.  That’s right.  His parents did the old horizontal bedtime bop.  But the world he was born into has strict regulations when it comes to perfection in humans.  From the second you are born, science can determine if you’ll have any physical deformities, mental problems varying from A.D. D. to anger issues, and can even give the age you will die.  Because of this, the people of the future look down upon those who weren’t bred for perfection.  How can a man who had been dubbed inferior at birth rise above such douchieness?  Easy.  Through good old American trickery. Read the rest of this entry »

Hatchet To The Head: “The Viking Sagas”

January 6, 2010

“A virgin’s blood heals even mortal wounds.”

Why does there always have to be that ONE guy who fucks things up for everyone?  Seriously.  You can’t even bring ancient traditions to a new land without some dick starting shit.  But for every dick, there’s a dude.  A righteous dude.  A patient dude who waits for the perfect time to strike that dick down, or for prophecy to call upon him to do the same.  That dude is Kjartan. Read the rest of this entry »

Brokeback Iron Man

December 2, 2009

They were the best of friends, battling crime in hi-tech battle armor.  Now there’s a different spark powering these two.  A spark called love.

Yet Another New Moon Poster

September 17, 2009


I like to think that she’s plumeting to a grim death, smacking forcefully on the jagged rocks below.  But sadly, I’ve read the book.  A guy can dream, right?

Poster For “Puppet Master: Axis Of Evil”

August 7, 2009


The Puppet Master films have been on a steady decline since “The Final Chapter”.  When Corey Feldman was cast in Puppet Master VS The Demonic Toys, I tossed out profanities like Rainbow FUCKING Randolph.  I honestly have no clue as to what this new instalment could have in store for us, the viewers.  It wouldn’t surprise me if the animated marionettes duked it out with Chucky, this time around.  Worse things have happened.  Remember when The Jetsons battled The Flintstones?

A Remake On Elm Street

August 1, 2009


I know I say this a lot, but as far as remakes go, this one looks to be in-fuck-credible.

Harry Potter And The Half Blood Defender

July 15, 2009

It was a warm, ominous, summer’s evening.  Dark clouds eerily crept across the onyx sky, offsetting the rays of moonlight that showed the path to our hero.  His day was full of adventure, battle, and feasting, but was far from it’s end.  There was one more task at hand for the mighty warrior.  An event of epic proportions was set to take place, and he was determined to be apart of it, no matter the cost.  For this was the night when Harry Potter and The Half Blood Prince burst forth from the realm of Hollywood.  The night when thousands of children got to say up WAY past their bed time.


Six down, one to go.  Only one more book is left in the Harry Potter series.  One more book for movie magicians to cast Avada Kedavra on, continuing a murderous rampage that only Lord Voldemort would look at and say “damn…that was harsh!”. Read the rest of this entry »