“Alien Vs. Hunter” = Totally Unwatchable….Literally

AVH_aff2

(the tagline says: “Battlezone: EARTH”…like it matters)

Wow.  This is a first.  I have never in my life come across a movie that is such a blatant ripoff.  Really?  Alien Vs. Hunter?  They couldn’t even come up with a vaguely different name?  We’re witnessing a new form of lazy which requires a whole new word.  I mean, who in the hell did they think they were fooling?  They almost got me.  Almost.  Thankfully, they have a crackerjack team of writers over at Netflix.  What they came up with for a synopsis is pure gold:

Not to be confused with the blockbuster predator/alien franchise, this small screen interpretation follows an interplanetary hunter who tracks the galaxy’s deadliest creature to Earth, where predator and prey square off in a battle to the death.

Phew.  So it’s NOT the franchise I thought it was?  Thanks, guys.  Those nearly identical creatures, and that highly similar title, had me thinking otherwise.  Glad we cleared that up.

“Well, gee wiz, Defender.  What’s the movie like, anyway?”.  That’s a very good question, and I’m glad you all asked me.  I have no damn idea.  I was unable to even watch the thing!  Not even 2 minutes into the thing, Netflix simply stopped playing it!  I tried multiple times to get that thing to work.  Why?  Because I’m “that guy”.  I’m the one who willfully suffers through garbage like this so you folks don’t have to.  What I did see was two hole minutes of an old dude jogging (pronounced with a Y sound because it’s funnier) in the street, listening to music, while something crashes in the background.  That’s it.  Apparently this thing is so bad that Netflix itself refuses to watch it.  I find that beyond hilarious.

I don’t know about all of you, but I certainly smell a lawsuit…..and it smells like bad choices.

For those of you who hate yourselves, and thoroughly enjoy torturing yourselves with monumentally bad movies, find a working copy of this movie and go nuts.  I have more important things to do, like watching The Being in my ManOwaR sweatpants.

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