George Lucas…What are you DOING?!

August 8, 2008

Over the past couple months, there’ve been trailers, previews, and commercials for yet another installment of Star Wars. Now before you flip your shit and reach for your preferred combat weapon, understand that Star Wars (Episodes 4-6) are arguably the greatest trilogy of all time. Who doesn’t have fond memories of laying prone in front of the TV, your favorite footie PJ’s warming your back side, banging heels together, with palms under chin, while Grand Moff Tarkin plays his dick card and blows up Alderaan?

My problem is not with the past, but with the general present. Apparently, Lucas didn’t make enough cash from us nuts on the first run, so he decided “I’ll add a shit ton of computer effects that don’t belong in the first three films, and put them back into theaters” (pushing up his glasses and bellowing out his nerd snort in the process). Most of what was added, had far too much childish flair to them. We didn’t have to see Han Solo stepping over Jabba the Hutt’s tail, just for a joke. On the other hand, finally seeing the entire Womppa in Empire Strikes Back did make me giggle a little.

Next on my shit list comes the new trilogy. Don’t worry, you won’t have to sit through page after page of my reasons as to why they suck. It’s quite clear that the world doesn’t acknowledge their existence. The only thing that was remotely amazing about those films was from the last one. Seeing Hayden Christiansen sliced, diced, and julienned made my life.

The year is now 2003 and George Lucas got yet another “idea”. Through the wondrous art form of animation, he pumped out a series of five minute animated shorts depicting his vision of The Clone Wars. Seeing Star Wars as a cartoon truly made me hesitate. But after caving, a beautiful work of story and characters was revealed to me (particularly Kit Fisto).

We now arrive to the garbage water that is the yet to be released; computerized Star Wars. Why in the nine hells would Lucas decide to do this to us?! I’ll tell you. He is old. Old people don’t remember what it’s like to be young and happy. He must not have made a big enough fortune over the past two decades to ease his passing. Just think of all the possible films that we could’ve enjoyed. Then stop and cry, because what’s done is done.

Here is the trailer for Star Wars: Clone Wars

Say what you want, but I stand by my views.  IT STINKS!

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