“Alien Vs. Hunter” = Totally Unwatchable….Literally

May 21, 2013


(the tagline says: “Battlezone: EARTH”…like it matters)

Wow.  This is a first.  I have never in my life come across a movie that is such a blatant ripoff.  Really?  Alien Vs. Hunter?  They couldn’t even come up with a vaguely different name?  We’re witnessing a new form of lazy which requires a whole new word.  I mean, who in the hell did they think they were fooling?  They almost got me.  Almost.  Thankfully, they have a crackerjack team of writers over at Netflix.  What they came up with for a synopsis is pure gold: Read the rest of this entry »

Game Over: The Life & Adventures Of “EVOLVER”

May 20, 2013


The late 80’s and early 90’s were a great time to be a kid.  Computer generated effects were in their infancy, the Nintendo Entertainment System was at its peak, and many awesomely-bad sci-fi movies were being pumped out like no tomorrow.  My favorite brand of those films were the ones based around video games that tried to kill the players for real.  Just think about it.  What if Nintendo had the cojones to instal crazy military programing into Robbie The Robot?  Gyromite would’ve been a hell of a lot more difficult, I tell ya what.  I’ll do you one better.  What if Q from Star Trek: TNG was responsible for programing and designing the robot?  We’d be in for a world of shit.  EVOLVER is about that very thing. Read the rest of this entry »

Meh At The End Of The Street

May 19, 2013


There really isn’t all that much to do when you’re working the graveyard shift.  Reading books and channel surfing tends to play a huge part in the down-time.  But ever since Netflix became available to me, via my phone and other media, I’ve been privy to the seemingly endless supply of mediocre movies they’ve acquired.  Tonight I took the Netflix wheel o’ wonders for a spin and was rewarded with indifference.  Ladies and gentlemen, here are my thoughts on House at the End of the Street. Read the rest of this entry »

Defender Discusses “DAYBREAKERS”

October 24, 2012

Let’s face it, vampires have been done to death these days.  Everything from turning them into sparkly sissies, giving them an HBO series, and having them go toe-to-toe with a former president has been churned out of tinsel-town lately.  Frankly, I’m sick of it.  They’re everywhere these days and they totally suck…and not in the awesome way.  I was beginning to lose hope that there would never be a truly great vampire movie again.  DAYBREAKERS changed all that. Read the rest of this entry »

Conan: The Dumb-barian

August 20, 2011

No amount of prayers will help your movie, Momoa

Since the colossal success of The Lord of the Rings, studio execs have been trying to bank on the grand-scale epicness perfected by Peter Jackson.  He managed to take the works of Tolkien to a level never dreamed possible while sticking true to the story and pacing them beautifully.  Why other directors can’t follow suit is beyond me.  These days they feel the need to bombard their audiences with quick/random cuts, grand swooping shots from the sky, and random scenarios that seem to say “hey, what do ya think of this?”.  Sadly, the 2011 take on the classic epic Conan: The Barbarian did just that. Read the rest of this entry »

Caught In The Middle: An “X-Men:First Class” Review

June 11, 2011

One would assume that since MARVEL now has the power to make their own films they’d be able to make flawless comic book movies.  Not so.  Many would simply forget about the Fantastic Four flub, Ghost Rider‘s gaffe, and Electra‘s err…not me.  A good handful of spot on renditions have come to the screen to prove that it can be done correctly.  It just sucks when someone only goes half way.  I just didn’t think the people behind X-Men:  First Class would be in that category. Read the rest of this entry »

“THOR”: Norse Gods And A Demented Defender

May 7, 2011

I know what you’re thinking.  “This guy has problems.”  Well, if by problems you mean a strong desire to be awesome, then you’re correct.  Not many people have the balls to fully embrace something they love to the extent that I do, and that’s a shame.  Why wouldn’t you want to absorb might, strength, and power into your daily lives?  The Norsemen had the right idea, so grow a pair and live life the Viking way!  MARVEL studios has been doing just that, and THOR is all the proof you need. Read the rest of this entry »

“Jennifer’s Body” Puts The SUCK In Succubus

April 21, 2011

Waiting for the hype of new films to die out is kind of my thing.  I stress out enough thinking about how much of my gut is sticking out of the bottom of my t-shirt, so spending two hours in a packed theater with hormone riddled high schoolers and overly excited nerds is something I can do without.  Every now and then a film gets released that requires me to dawn my armor and venture forth, but Jennifer’s Body wasn’t one of ’em. Read the rest of this entry »

Mortal Kombat Mania: Part II, Legacy

April 13, 2011

So, as many of my friends are aware, I have been looking forward to the first episode of the new web series, Mortal Kombat: Legacy.  First off, I want to say that I have had a total girl-crush on Jeri Ryan for some time (Voyager brought that on, of course), and while I thought that she might be a little too “mature” to be playing a 20-something Sonya Blade, I thought that she filled the role nicely based on the first episode and she’s as beautiful and intense as ever.  Michael Jai White fills the role of Jax near perfection.  I was ecstatic to see Tahmoh Panikett (Helo in Battlestar Gallactica) as Stryker.  I have to say, I wasn’t super impressed with the choice of Kano for an antagonist, and I was equally turned off by Darren Shahlavi’s (Watchmen) acting, but I’m not blaming him, they couldn’t have picked a worse bad guy to start the series.  What an uninteresting choice?!?! Read the rest of this entry »

You Can’t Piss On Hospitality: The RBM George Hardy Interview

January 11, 2011

“I won’t allow it!”

Bad movies are something of a common occurrence.  Some fade away into nothingness (as they should), while most get sent up to the Satellite of Love for some questionable experiments.  Very few find a cult following, but are forever inducted in the “it’s so bad it’s awesome” hall of fame.  Troll 2 happens to be the mother of all awesomely bad movies. Read the rest of this entry »

“Night Of The Demons” 2009: Worst Party EVER!

January 6, 2011

Oh baby Lilly Munster…ain’t got nothin’ on you!

Well, I finally did it.  I got to such an extreme level of boredom that I willingly watched the Night of the Demons remake.  Either this was just a very dull Wednesday, or there is something seriously wrong with my brain.  That’s it.  I’ve gone mental.  Read the rest of this entry »

“TRON LEGACY”: Keeping 1982 Alive

December 17, 2010

Thursday nights are usually nothing special.  I go through my normal routine of wake, whack, and wash, then proceed to loaf around until the working hour arrives.  Not this Thursday.  Some good friends came over for a viewing of the 1982 classic TRON, in preparation for the world premier of the much anticipated sequel TRON: LEGACY.  How did you spend YOUR Thursday?  Drinking with hot college girls?  HA!  What’s that?  You did, huh?  Damn.  Well I’m not here to talk about your night.  My job is to tell the world about my experience watching TRON: LEGACY at 12:05 am on a school night. Read the rest of this entry »

Horcruxes, Butter-Beers, And Jailbait: An RBM Look At “HP 7”

November 19, 2010

Thursday nights are usually nothing special to me, other than being the precursor to my two days off.  This one was different.  Despite my initial instinct to use my time off to lounge around in my own stink watching stupid movies, I decided to join some fellow nerds for the premier of Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows (Part 1). Read the rest of this entry »

5 Most Underrated Horror Flix

October 29, 2010

Halloween time has snapped its rotting head in our direction, and boy is my DVD collection running for the hills.  While most people are torturing their young with new and horrific ways to cram them into mom-made animal/object/food costumes, I’m busy mutilating my horror movie section for a night of gore-filled bliss. Read the rest of this entry »

Amber’s Top 10 Best Worst Horror Movie’s Ever

September 25, 2010

Amber's List of The Best of the Worst Horror Movies

The closer we get to Halloween, the more it makes me think of all of the things that made Halloween great throughout my life.  The parties and decorations, the Halloween sit-com specials on tv (I have a ritual to watch all of my favorites every year… especially the Roseanne specials) and, of course watching horror movies constantly!  I have had an interest in terrible horror movies for about a decade, now, so I feel I’ve gathered enough useless knowledge to share with you a list of some of the absolute best worst movies I’ve come across over the years.  Don’t take that the wrong way, though.  When I say these movies are awful, they are, but in a good way.  So I am still recommending that you see them regardless of how absolutely terrible they are.  Nay, I demand you see them!  I’m sure you’ll notice a listing or two on here that you’ll remember, but I also hope that you’ll find a couple of movies that you’ve never seen before that you will add to your Netflix queue immediately in honor of the upcoming “Month of Macabre”.

Read the rest of this entry »

Rob Zombie’s “HALLOWEEN 2”: I’d Rather Watch “THE BEING”

June 5, 2010

I just pissed away 2 damn hours watching this crap, and I still have no damn clue what I just watched.  The only thing I understood was that I love when hot girls show their boobs.  Thanks for sucking my life away, Rob Zombie.  Your terrible use of unnecessary symbolism, crappy plastering of celebrity cameos, and utter lack of any sort of story truly made my Saturday afternoon.

P.S. – Since when could Loomis teleport?

Shredded Humans: “A Nightmare On Elm Street 2010” Review

May 2, 2010

WARNING:  SPOILER ALERT! You have been warned.

11 a.m. is the perfect time to see a movie at the movie theater.  Everyone else is either at work trying to earn enough cash to buy their little brats the latest Pokemon cards, or in school expanding their minds.  When it’s that early in the morning, tickets are $6 and the sparkling clean men’s room is just begging for that first shit of the day.  Since I aim to please, I did not disappoint. Read the rest of this entry »

Halloween In April: “The Worst Witch” Review

April 20, 2010

Halloween has become an annual event where sluts need not be ashamed of their sluttish ways, muscle-heads dawn lame outfits that range from a beer keg to a pimp, and nerds can safely walk the streets in their LARPing gear without fear of wedgies.  The true spirit of that wonderful holiday has been lost to daytime trick-or-treating, corporate candy-making curmudgeons, as well as a complete lack of costume creativity.  But things weren’t always like this. Read the rest of this entry »

Where’s KRATOS When You Need Him?

April 2, 2010

Payday is suppose to be a joyous occasion.  All of those tedious hours of hump-busting normally reward you with a moderate amount of green paper to which you use on entertainment or sustenance.  Not this week for happy-go-lucky Defender.

I awoke at the unnatural hour of 12pm today, ready to brave the cloudless sky for some theater time with a buddy of mine.  What a mistake that turned out to be. Read the rest of this entry »

Drill-Bit Lobotomy: The “Shutter Island” Review

March 20, 2010

WOW. What a mind-fuck!!! As if I didn’t have enough to deal with when it comes to mental people at my work, now there’s psycho cinematic bullshit to juggle with.  And I’m on my damn vacation!

SHUTTER ISLAND is a film to be reckoned with, and I don’t mean in that old-school “hey-let’s-make-a-movie-about-mental-hospitals” way.  OH no. There are many levels to this movie. Read the rest of this entry »