Will Smith’s Karate Kid Keeps Crane Kicking My Heart

December 5, 2008


In case you missed our first report (in a Freudian way), Will Smith is remaking one of the greatest and most beloved movies of all time, the Karate Kid, and it’s going to star his 10 year old son, Jaden. If that isn’t suicide-inducing enough, Big Willy stated at a recent appearance that his version would not include the iconic crane kick:

Will…said he’s “begging” Jaden to include the crane kick in KARATE KID even though Jaden wants no part of it. Will says that he plays fighting video games and wants to model some of his moves off what he sees coming out of his Xbox. (JoBlo)

(Swallows a bottle of Xanax). The crane kick is the final fight, it’s the key to Daniel’s victory (as unrealistic as it is; Johnny literally walks right into Daniel’s foot). Miyagi states, “If done correctly, no defense.” That’s on the real.

And this fool is going to let his 10 year old tell him what goes in the movie? Take away his fucking video games and ground him or something. Maybe Jaden thinks it’ll look cooler if he throws a fireball or pulls off a helicopter-kick, but if I don’t see the crane, I’m going to vomit. And you don’t want me to vomit, Mr. Smith. I have a streak going.


Remi Kart; Mario Kart in Paris

December 5, 2008

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French prankster Remi Gaillard pulled off some real life Mario Karting on the busy streets of Paris (France). If I was cruising home and this maniac pulled alongside me and threw a banana peel, I would pull over and call my friends. They wouldn’t believe me and they’d say, “Sure man, just like the time DMX died? Right? You don’t even own a car! Don’t ever call me again, dipshit.”

I don’t own a car.

Eminem’s Back; “Number One”

December 5, 2008

eminem11Get it?

Follow the link to hear an unfinished version of  “Number One” off of the new Big Mike & DJ Neptune mixtape 4th Quarter Pressure. Produced by Dre and super fun, but like with every mixtape exclusive, the DJ never shuts his cake-hole.

Number One

Boy George Guilty of Imprisoning Male Escort; I Don’t Have to Try to Make This Headline Funny

December 5, 2008

boy_george_narrowweb__300x4150-730444“I will pay you to have sex with me”

The most unbelievable thing about this fiasco is that Boy George has to pay for sex. Dude’s an icon and just look at him! That kind of makeup would turn a lumberjack queer! From CNN:

Norwegian Audun Carlsen, 29, said the frontman with the 1980s band beat him with a metal chain as he tried to flee his London flat after a naked photo shoot.

Carlsen told the court O’Dowd invented the story about computer tampering so he could punish him for not having sex at a previous meeting. He said: “I think he couldn’t handle the refusal — me not having sex with him.”

Hey, put out or get out or get beat with a metal chain. Them’s the rules.

Boy George fully endorses Krink paint markers.


Uganda Young Democrats?

December 5, 2008

When Oh, Mars told me that he would be interviewing the guys from UYD I was a bit concerned. My knowledge of geopolitics is somewhat limited, but I am aware that Uganda has a history of human rights violations. I thought to myself, hopefully the Uganda Young Democrats are as concerned as I am about this issue and have a strategy designed to address these wrongdoings. Oh, Mars then sent me the link to the Uhh Yeah Dude podcast archive on podcast alley and my concerns morphed into excitement. I was immediately hooked; vulgar, original and a chemistry that cannot be faked. Simply put: Seth and Jonathan are fucking hilarious. Uhh Yeah Dude gets my highest recommendation. Stay tuned for Oh, Mars’ interview and in the meantime check out their podcasts, youtube videos and myspace. Seatbelts.

Tarzan Schmarzan, Put Some Pants on, Hippie

December 5, 2008

Stephen Sommers, the man helming the much anticipated and childhood-destroying G.I. Joe movie, has announced his next project, a Tarzan movie. Now, I’m not a Tarzan fan by any means, but everyone knows the concept: a man in a loincloth, raised by apes, falls in love with Jane, a beautiful woman from modern civilization. Shit, I’ve known that since I was like, five years old. Why does Sommer’s Tarzan-project sound so…not Tarzan? From EW:

The action-adventure icon will trash his loincloth and throw on a pair of khakis for the next big screen take.

Director Stephen Sommers (The Mummy) and screenwriter Stuart Beattie (Australia) are ditching the boy-raised-by-apes origin story for a 1930’s-set romp with a hefty helping of romance: Think Pirates of the Caribbean with buffed-and-tanned actors flying through the jungle and sprinting up trees, parkour-style.

So, he’s not going to be raised by apes, but he’s still buffed and tanned. Okay, okay, sounds reasonable. I’m following so far. There’s lots of romance, like in Pirates. I don’t really remember the two Pirates movies I’ve seen (I’ve blocked them out). And he’s going to be straight romping through a 1930s city, parkour-style (that urban-ninja movement that originated in France and that’s now popular with commercials and James Bond). Huh. What about the iconic Tarzan scream? Are you taking that away too?

Sommers, next time you go to pitch an idea, don’t watch an old Tarzan movie and eat a bag of mushrooms.