December 12, 2008


So last week Soulja Boy revealed that he has a game coming out. Tell ‘Em told Complex Blog:

A couple video game companies hit me up on my email because I put the email on there too. And hit me up like, “Blah, blah, blah, blah.” So I was like, “Oh snaps!” … and now we’re doing the video game.

Robot Bites Man is proud to be the world’s first blog to reveal details of the till now top-secret plot. In the game, Soulja Boy is forced to match wits with an evil country music executive that manipulates the time-space continuum to prevent the invention of rap. After banding together with some treasure-hunting dwarves, Soulja uses a map of “time holes” to travel to 16th century Denmark and begin the triangle trade, ensuring that black people eventually arrive in America and take over popular culture.

Fortunately for us, the journey is not so simple and our favorite rapper wreaks havoc at dozens of different historical events, including the Battle of Waterloo, JFK’s assassination, and the 1787 Constitutional Convention (reportedly there’s a minigame which allows players to control the founding fathers as they dance to “Crank Dat”). No word yet on what kind of temporal inconsistencies will be opened up by Soulja Boy’s use of a Segway while he signs the Magna Carta.


Robot Bites THE WORLD

December 12, 2008


“Hello, South African Airways.”

“Hi, I need a ticket to anywhere in Africa. On the next possible flight.”

“I’m sorry, where is it you would like to go?”

“Anywhere. In Africa.”

“Okay…(typing), there’s a flight to Johannesburg that leaves at 6:15 tomorrow morning.”

“Nothing sooner? (furiously packing suitcase)”


“Hurry up, bitch.”

Chart stolen from IEEE

Song of the Day: The Felice Brothers “Frankie’s Gun” (not going to hell)

December 12, 2008

These guys are the best thing to come out of Woodstock, NY since The Band’s 1968 debut, “Music from Big Pink.”

Red Bull’s “Simply Cola” is Simply Lethal

December 12, 2008


For all you hepcats out there who like to get hopped up and stay up late at night reading countless articles on RBM, this editorial might peak your interest. Now, I should preface by stating that I consider myself somewhat of a cola guru; I’ve tasted colas from all around the world. Colas from Germany, colas from Africa, even colas from as far away as Egypt. I’m also one of those people who swear that Coke tastes better with sugar it in, more so than it does with corn syrup. You see, the Coca-Cola Company has been in bed with certain nutritional elements of our national government since the 1960s, beginning with the Cuban…but, I digress. My point is I know my colas. So, when Red Bull recently released its “Simply Cola” in the U.S., needless to say, I was skeptical.

Read the rest of this entry »

Zoos are Going to Hell

December 12, 2008

As a young probotito I attended a circus and would not go inside the tent until my probot-arents(???) would allow me to ride atop a majestic creature that captured my heart and soul; a massive elephant. I made a connection that day that has stuck with me quite strongly, so it comes with great sadness to learn that elephants kept in zoos are facing some harsh realities. From Time:

In a survey of 4,500 captive elephants worldwide, a team of researchers from the U.K., Canada and Kenya found that once you lock up the giant, space-loving beasts, their health suffers, their median life span plummets, and they quit breeding — the last things you would want for a creature you’re ostensibly trying to help survive.

OG Pin-Up Girl Betty Page Dies

December 12, 2008


Betty Page, the 1950s pin-up queen that made generations of men howl like that cartoon wolf, has died at the age of 85.

The 21st century indeed had people remembering her just as she was. She became the subject of songs, biographies, websites, comic books, movies and documentaries. A new generation of fans bought thousands of copies of her photos, and some feminists hailed her as a pioneer of women’s liberation.

Looking back on the career that followed, she told Playboy in 1998: “I never thought it was shameful. I felt normal. It’s just that it was much better than pounding a typewriter eight hours a day, which gets monotonous.” (TimesOnline)

(Thanks to iamlunaschlosser for the tip.)


Substitute Teacher is Going to Hell

December 12, 2008
You better hope Meatloaf has a sidecar for that thing

You better hope Meatloaf has a sidecar for that thing

In what I can only imagine was a last ditch effort to gain control over a classroom full of 7 year olds all hopped up on Christmas cheer, a substitute teacher in England did the unthinkable and told the 7 year old students that there was no Santa Claus.  And I’m sure this calmed them down. What ever happened to the turning off the lights move? I remember being in some rowdy substitute-led classrooms as a young’n, but as soon those lights went out it was like  someone spiked all the juice boxes with Tylenol PM.  Sure, the teacher has been fired and will not be substituting at the school again, but what about the children?

The substitute also reportedly told the students that even if there was a Santa Claus they would all be getting coal in their stockings because only students who know their multiplication tables get presents.

And I thought all British women were sweet like Mary Poppins….