Tarzan Schmarzan, Put Some Pants on, Hippie

Stephen Sommers, the man helming the much anticipated and childhood-destroying G.I. Joe movie, has announced his next project, a Tarzan movie. Now, I’m not a Tarzan fan by any means, but everyone knows the concept: a man in a loincloth, raised by apes, falls in love with Jane, a beautiful woman from modern civilization. Shit, I’ve known that since I was like, five years old. Why does Sommer’s Tarzan-project sound so…not Tarzan? From EW:

The action-adventure icon will trash his loincloth and throw on a pair of khakis for the next big screen take.

Director Stephen Sommers (The Mummy) and screenwriter Stuart Beattie (Australia) are ditching the boy-raised-by-apes origin story for a 1930’s-set romp with a hefty helping of romance: Think Pirates of the Caribbean with buffed-and-tanned actors flying through the jungle and sprinting up trees, parkour-style.

So, he’s not going to be raised by apes, but he’s still buffed and tanned. Okay, okay, sounds reasonable. I’m following so far. There’s lots of romance, like in Pirates. I don’t really remember the two Pirates movies I’ve seen (I’ve blocked them out). And he’s going to be straight romping through a 1930s city, parkour-style (that urban-ninja movement that originated in France and that’s now popular with commercials and James Bond). Huh. What about the iconic Tarzan scream? Are you taking that away too?

Sommers, next time you go to pitch an idea, don’t watch an old Tarzan movie and eat a bag of mushrooms.

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