“Alien Vs. Hunter” = Totally Unwatchable….Literally

May 21, 2013

AVH_aff2

(the tagline says: “Battlezone: EARTH”…like it matters)

Wow.  This is a first.  I have never in my life come across a movie that is such a blatant ripoff.  Really?  Alien Vs. Hunter?  They couldn’t even come up with a vaguely different name?  We’re witnessing a new form of lazy which requires a whole new word.  I mean, who in the hell did they think they were fooling?  They almost got me.  Almost.  Thankfully, they have a crackerjack team of writers over at Netflix.  What they came up with for a synopsis is pure gold: Read the rest of this entry »


“Evil Dead” Remake Red Band Trailer

October 24, 2012

Welp…I’m gonna go kill myself.


Conan: The Dumb-barian

August 20, 2011

No amount of prayers will help your movie, Momoa

Since the colossal success of The Lord of the Rings, studio execs have been trying to bank on the grand-scale epicness perfected by Peter Jackson.  He managed to take the works of Tolkien to a level never dreamed possible while sticking true to the story and pacing them beautifully.  Why other directors can’t follow suit is beyond me.  These days they feel the need to bombard their audiences with quick/random cuts, grand swooping shots from the sky, and random scenarios that seem to say “hey, what do ya think of this?”.  Sadly, the 2011 take on the classic epic Conan: The Barbarian did just that. Read the rest of this entry »


Caught In The Middle: An “X-Men:First Class” Review

June 11, 2011

One would assume that since MARVEL now has the power to make their own films they’d be able to make flawless comic book movies.  Not so.  Many would simply forget about the Fantastic Four flub, Ghost Rider‘s gaffe, and Electra‘s err…not me.  A good handful of spot on renditions have come to the screen to prove that it can be done correctly.  It just sucks when someone only goes half way.  I just didn’t think the people behind X-Men:  First Class would be in that category. Read the rest of this entry »


Song Of The Day: 5/20/2011

May 20, 2011

“Macho Man” Randy Savage:  Speaking from the Heart

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHH YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH!!!!


Pour One Out For: “Macho Man” Randy Savage 11/15/1953 – 5/20/2011

May 20, 2011

While a slew of morons are plastering religious nonsense all over the internet, some rather shocking information elbow-dropped me into my own religious experience….and not in a good way.  It seems the greatest, most meticulous, professional wrestler has signed his contract to wrestle for eternity in the halls of Valhalla.  Today, “Macho Man” Randy Savage passed away.  TMZ has all the details that are known as of now. Read the rest of this entry »


“Jennifer’s Body” Puts The SUCK In Succubus

April 21, 2011

Waiting for the hype of new films to die out is kind of my thing.  I stress out enough thinking about how much of my gut is sticking out of the bottom of my t-shirt, so spending two hours in a packed theater with hormone riddled high schoolers and overly excited nerds is something I can do without.  Every now and then a film gets released that requires me to dawn my armor and venture forth, but Jennifer’s Body wasn’t one of ’em. Read the rest of this entry »


Pour One Out For: Scott Columbus

April 5, 2011

According to Ross “The Boss” Friedman as well as Scott’s girlfriend of over three years, Scott Columbus died yesterday, April 4th, at the age of 54.

Read the rest of this entry »


Volstagg: The Not-Quite-Voluminous

March 17, 2011

“DAMN THEE, DIET!”

There is much excitement in the nerd community surrounding the new THOR movie that’s due out soon.  As awesome as the trailer is, a “small” problem has been brought to my attention.  Turns out the portly powerhouse Volstagg has been poorly cast.  I know, I know.  How hard could it be to cast a large and in-charge warrior from the halls of Asgard?  Harder than you’d think, apparently. Read the rest of this entry »


“Night Of The Demons” 2009: Worst Party EVER!

January 6, 2011

Oh baby Lilly Munster…ain’t got nothin’ on you!

Well, I finally did it.  I got to such an extreme level of boredom that I willingly watched the Night of the Demons remake.  Either this was just a very dull Wednesday, or there is something seriously wrong with my brain.  That’s it.  I’ve gone mental.  Read the rest of this entry »


Pour One Out For: Pete Postlethwaite 2/7/1946 – 1/2/2011

January 3, 2011

Not even 2 damn days into this new year and the celebrity death count has claimed it’s first victim.  English actor Pete Postlethwaite finally lost his battle with testicle cancer, a little over a month before his 65th birthday.  So close dude.  So close. Read the rest of this entry »


“Superman Lives” Suit In Action

December 16, 2010

Hey, Tim Burton.  Can I have some of whatever it was you smoked when you thought this was a good idea?  I have some mistakes that need making and could sure use the help.  Thank you.


Pour One Out For: Leslie Nielsen 2/11/1926 – 11/28/2010

November 29, 2010

“I know this little, out of the way place, that serves great Viking food.”

I know what you’re thinking:  “Surely you can’t be serious”.  I am serious.  And don’t call me Shirley.  Leslie Nielsen, one of the greatest, if not THE greatest funnyman of all time, passed away yesterday in his sleep due to pneumonia complications.  Boy, I sure picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue. Read the rest of this entry »


Pour On Out For: Dino De Laurentiis 8/8/1919 – 11/10/2010

November 13, 2010

Staying awake for 31 hours has a funny effect on my mind.  I become even more silly than normal, drift off into thoughts of nothingness, and don’t notice extremely important events that have unfolded around me.  One such event didn’t register until 11:30 last night.  I was scanning the interwebs for stuff that looked funny (or would simply snag my attention) when I stumbled across some terrible news.  Legendary Italian film producer Dino De Laurentiis died on Wednesday. Read the rest of this entry »


Pour One Out For: Kevin McCarthy 2/15/1914 – 9/11/2010

September 13, 2010

After a mere 4 hours of sleep, I awoke to some rather upsetting news.  Kevin McCarthy, one of the greatest character actors of all time, has died.  These things happen and I’m growing more use to them thanks to the slew of celebrity deaths in the recent years.  But when you’re a man who has uncovered an alien race of plant-people trying to take over the world, helped the government develop a breed of killer piranha that can live in cold water, and attempted to crush a punk kid’s UHF television station, fighting pneumonia in Cape Cod should be a minor inconvenience instead of a curtain call. Read the rest of this entry »


New Image From The “Fright Night” Remake

September 6, 2010

So this time around Peter Vincent is a saiyan?  I don’t remember Roddy McDowall being able to fire energy balls, do you?


Poster For Night Of The Demons: A Remake

August 31, 2010

There’s only one proper thing to say about this….EAT A BOWL OF FUCK!


Destructive Drummer For The Donnas Retires

July 13, 2010

Terribly, horrible, no-good, very bad news for all Donnaholics.  Torry Castellano, the fierce cymbal smashing siren of the all girl rock group The Donnas, has been forced into an early retirement.  To quell the flood of concerned questions from their loyal fans, Torry gave a heartfelt explanation on The Donnas official website: Read the rest of this entry »


ManOwaR’s Drummer Bangs Alone Now

June 8, 2010

Mano-mEmberS From Left to Right: Scott Columbus, Eric Adams, Joey DeMaio, and Karl Logan

Will Joey DeMaio’s bullshit ever end?  First there’s the whole years upon years between albums thing; then there’s the fairly recent lawsuits involving photographers (music festivals as well).  Now I find out that drummer Scott Columbus is out of the band?!  Not only has he left the band that got me wrecking my neck to please the metal gods time and time again, but he did so over 2 years ago and DeMaio still has him listed as a band member!  WHAT THE HELL?!!!  Read the rest of this entry »


Rob Zombie’s “HALLOWEEN 2”: I’d Rather Watch “THE BEING”

June 5, 2010

I just pissed away 2 damn hours watching this crap, and I still have no damn clue what I just watched.  The only thing I understood was that I love when hot girls show their boobs.  Thanks for sucking my life away, Rob Zombie.  Your terrible use of unnecessary symbolism, crappy plastering of celebrity cameos, and utter lack of any sort of story truly made my Saturday afternoon.

P.S. – Since when could Loomis teleport?