I’ve been avoiding posting anything about sports ever since I jinxed the Celtics and they went into a slide that resulted in them losing 7 of 9 games starting with the loss on Christmas Day in LA, sorry ’bout that. But I have to give it up to the Baseball Writers for finally recognizing Jim Rice and electing him to the Baseball Hall of Fame. Rice spent his entire career as a member of the Boston Red Sox, was an eight-time All-star, won two Silver Slugger awards and was the 1978 American League MVP. In Rice’s notable 1978 season he led the league in home runs (46), RBIs (139), hits (213), triples (15) and his .315 batting average was third best in the AL. He was just before my time (retiring after the ’89 season, Mike Greenwell was the first left-fielder I remember seeing), but my Dad talks about how hard he hit the ball and his business-like approach to the game. Congratulations.
As a professionally trained historian I can’t help but recall the historical events that have taken place on any given date. It’s a party trick I do, someone will be like “Joe, July 4th?” and I’ll inform them that on that day in 1776 the Second Continental Congress adopted the Declaration of Independence. Actually, I just realized you can wikipedia the date and get all kinds of cool info about things that went down on that day throughout history.
The events today didn’t really strike me as very comedic so I’ll skip to the birthdays. Raekwon and Zac De La Rocha are both 39 today and Tim Horton, the Canadian hockey player and part founder of the greatest coffee chain on the planet, was born today in 1930. If you have never had a cup of Tim Horton’s coffee, drive to Canada, get one, then turn around and drive home. Don’t worry, the amount of caffeine in that bad boy will keep you jacked up for ride. Apparently there are Tim Horton’s on the South Shore and in Maine, but I think the Canadian version comes with extra crack –it’s worth it.
The “Los Locos Anthem,” performed by Los Locos. I haven’t seen this movie in 10 years, but this wanders into my mind about four times a week and I used to scream it during sex.
Oh Mars has the Golden Globes on lockdown so I’ve taken a moment this morning to peruse the web for some off-the-beaten-path type news. The good people over at the New Scientist have been kind enough to produce a list of ten extinct beasts that could potentially walk the earth again, or as I see it, tear us limb from limb, devour small children and generally wreak havoc on all of humanity.
Follow the jump for their Jurassic Park wish-list, or the ten things that will be providing me with night terrors for the next month.
While the rest of us were getting drunk on New Year’s Eve, 22-year-old Adolph Grimes was shot by police in New Orleans. 12 times. In the back. 48 shell casings were found on the ground. He had left his grandmother’s house after celebrating and was waiting outside his car for his cousin when nine plainclothes officers, part of an undercover narcotics task force, surrounded Grimes. Police are saying Grimes fired first, but being shot in the back usually means the perp was running away. Grimes had no priors, worked for the phone company, and taught a Bible study class. When I hear stories like this, I always try to put myself in the police’s shoes; they have a job I could never imagine doing with pressures I will probably never know. But this is retarded. There are cops and then there are dicks with guns & badges. AND the Grimes’ family has not been told anything by the police. Sounds like the nine officers and their lawyers are all getting their stories straight before talking to the media. 12 TIMES!?!?! Get the fuck outta here!!!
During her speech last night, Tina Fey addressed the internet critics who are mad that she can finally provide her family with groceries. It may have seemed like Fey was making these internet tough guys up, but Gawker did their homework and found the people she was addressing in her speech.
“If you ever start to feel too good about yourself, they have this thing called the Internet! You can find a lot of people there who don’t like you! I’d like to address some of them now! BabsonLacrosse, you can suck it. DianeFan, you can suck it. Cougar-Letter, you can really suck it ’cause you’ve been after me all year. And to my husband, Jeff, I love you. Thank you very much!”
“Yes Oh Mars, I will leave Jeff for you and never take this outfit off.”
30 Rock took home Best Television Show – Comedy last night and the lord Tracy Morgan did the talking. He was able to handle himself on live TV very well and no one got pregnant.
“Hey eggrolls, the Groden Grobes were last night but maybe you were too busy eating dog to watch. Grrrrr.” That was my impression of Clint Eastwood in Gran Turino. I was too busy watching the season 7 premiere of 24 to watch the Globes, but here’s a brief rundown of the winners:
In a shocker, Springsteen won for “The Wrestler,” defeating Miley Cyrus and Jeffrey Steele. Heath Ledger won For Best Actor in a Supporting Role (gasp!) and Chrissy Nolan accepted. Slumdog Millionaire went home with four awards, including Best Motion Picture – Drama (this made me very happy). Mickey Rourke managed to beat out Tom Cruise in a fat suit and took home Best Actor – Drama. Rourke also managed not to dress too much like an asshole. 30 Rock destroyed it – again – and went home with three awards (more on Tina Fey’s and Tracy Morgan’s acceptance speeches later). For the second year in a row, Mad Men won Best Television Show – Drama, but John Hamm was beat out by Gabriel Byrne for In Treatment. Gah? Didn’t that show get canceled?
During Mickey Rourke’s acceptance speech, The Wrestler director Darren Aronofksy threw up the first middle finger in Golden Globes history. Awesome:
Hilary Duff is apparently starring in an upcoming movie about Bonnie & Clyde. Reports say that it won’t be a remake of the 1967 classic, Bonnie & Clyde (doy hickey), but it’s going to be hard not to compare the two in a mean-spirited way. Did you guys know that Bonnie and Clyde weren’t romantically involved at all? Bonnie worshiped him but Clyde was pretty gay. It’s true, look it up. Therefore, they should get Nathan Lane to play Clyde.
Despite threats of ricin poisoning, Seattle gay bars were super busy over the weekend!:
“People are like, ‘Come on out. If you don’t drink, a terrorist wins,’ ” Daw said.
Heh, drunk queens, what can you do, right? I just wanted to post that quote. That’s all.
This is probably the greatest news RBM is ever going to report, ever. In an attempt to reduce the gross amount of sham friends on Facebook, the social networking site has teamed up with Burger King for a campaign called Whopper Sacrifice. The more friends you sacrifice to the Whopper-gods, the more free burgers you get. Ho-Lee shit:
This week (last week, I’m slow), fast-food giant Burger King released a Facebook application that gives you a free Whopper for every 10 friends you delete. On the Web site Whopper Sacrifice, Burger King keeps a tally that records the number of friends who have been sacrificed to the company’s signature sandwich offering.
As of this morning, 185,119 friends have been deleted. That’s…a lot of Whoppers. And that’s the greatest promotion I’ve ever heard in my life.
Speaking of fast-food, a few people have asked me what’s up with the McDonald’s menu on the main picture. Well, let me take you back to ’89…
This thing creeps the shit out of me. The guy that kicks the thing creeps me out too. As a PETR member (pronounced “Peter,” people for the ethical treatment of robots) I think I might have to report that guy. I also don’t like how they break into ominous music for the slo-mo replay of it taking the hit and recovering. There will be no slo-mo replays when these things take over and start stomping on fools. Hide. But buy Robot insurance first…
Posted by Joe Provost 
“Yes Oh Mars, I will leave Jeff for you and never take this outfit off.”
ohmars.wordpress.com 