Extinction Shmicktinction: Science Intends to Repopulate Earth with Terrifying Beasts

Oh Mars has the Golden Globes on lockdown so I’ve taken a moment this morning to peruse the web for some off-the-beaten-path type news. The good people over at the New Scientist have been kind enough to produce a list of ten extinct beasts that could potentially walk the earth again, or as I see it, tear us limb from limb, devour small children and generally wreak havoc on all of humanity.

Follow the jump for their Jurassic Park wish-list, or the ten things that will be providing me with night terrors for the next month.

1. Sabre-Toothed Tiger. This thing is fierce as all get-up with giant teeth and, I’m guessing, bad breath. Careful, it will eat you.

2. Neanderthal. Due to our close ancestry with Neanderthals there is no doubt in my mind they would view us a threat and proceed to beat us with whatever blunt instrument they’ve fashioned out of stone and wood. I also think they’d have a high pain-threshold so fighting back would be futile.

3. Short-Faced Bear. Weighing close to a ton and standing taller than a polar bear this thing would incite all the terror of a normal bear and the additional terror the accompanies it’s larger, more-terrifying size.

4. Tasmanian Tiger. I’m not really sure how deadly these guys are, but it says they’re only pregnant for a few weeks, so whatever they lack in size they’re making up in numbers. Unlike the Sabre-tooted tiger that will devour you by itself, the Tasmanian tiger will devour you in swirling, tornado-esq pack.

5. Glyptodon. This is described as an armadillo the size of a Volkswagen Beetle. Awesome. I’m sure it would kill indiscriminately. They say it was an herbivore, but after they graze up all of Earth’s remaining vegetation they’ll be coming for us. Hide, and try not to smell like vegetables.

6. Woolly Rhinoceros. Think all the danger of the modern rhino, of which the males can become extremely aggressive, plus being woolly and thereby more hippie-like. I don’t need to tell you how frightening an attack from a hippie-out rhino would be. I can smell the patchouli and imminent death as I write.

7. Dodo. 3 foot tall, 45 pound feather-covered implement of death that would peck your eyes out and lay eggs in your face.

8. Giant Ground Sloth. 18 feet tall and weighing up to 4 tons. This one’s cool. I see no problems here.

9. Moa. 9 foot tall flightless bird. The picture of one of these on wikipedia make me think of a velociraptor. So I’m guessing they would hunt in groups, learn to open doors and trap me in the kitchen before the T-Rex comes and saves the day.

10. Irish Elk. Basically a giant deer on steroids, plus it’s Irish so it will probably be drunk and wanting to put you in a headlock or something. I think I’d be cool with this one, we’d knock back Guinsesses and try and ride one of those Sloths.

11. Giant Beaver. At 8 feet long and weighting over 200 pounds this guy clocks in as the largest rodent ever. Just imagine the horror of having these guys living in the walls of your crappy apartment or chowing down around your garbage cans. No thanks.

Apparently the people at the New Scientist have some trouble counting because there is clearly 11 terrifying beasts on this list instead of 10. Oh well, hope you all have a nice night’s rest knowing that science is praying for the day they can bring all these things back to life.

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7 Responses to Extinction Shmicktinction: Science Intends to Repopulate Earth with Terrifying Beasts

  1. Dr. Samir Nagheenanajar says:

    The giant beaver never went exinct, there’s that one called Angelina Jolie.

  2. A2ThaCFoSho says:

    ehh..but you should know how terrifying jurassic park was for me. remember, i couldnt open my eyes! what am i gonna do now? walk around blindfolded so i dont have to see whatever it is about to devour me like that poor little goat they used as bait. I feel like that goat!!

  3. the good doctor says:

    i wanna light one up with the hippie rhinos and then go fuck around with that elk. we’d get all blitzed on jameson’s and fight over something neither of us could remember, it’d be just like home.

  4. Dr. Malcolm says:

    The…ah…iterations and possible complications of such a leap of genetic engineering are quite frankly…er…frightening to say the least. I warned Hammond about this, and I thought I made things perfectly clear when I seductively dabbed that drop of water on that sexy paleontologist’s knuckle…apparently not.

    Hey, how did I end up with a black daughter. Why was that never explained? I F-ed a black chick? Who would ever have bought that?

  5. Oh Mars says:

    Yo! Ian Malcolm reads RBM! Success at last!

  6. Another JP Nerd says:

    Ahh, scientists don’t have to worry about this because we all know that life will find a way. So don’t bother making all the creatures female and deffinitly do NOT use African Frog DNA.

  7. […] reported a ways back about some terrifying beasts that scientists were trying to bring back to life and I’m sorry to have left Titanboa off the […]

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