Shredded Humans: “A Nightmare On Elm Street 2010” Review

WARNING:  SPOILER ALERT! You have been warned.

11 a.m. is the perfect time to see a movie at the movie theater.  Everyone else is either at work trying to earn enough cash to buy their little brats the latest Pokemon cards, or in school expanding their minds.  When it’s that early in the morning, tickets are $6 and the sparkling clean men’s room is just begging for that first shit of the day.  Since I aim to please, I did not disappoint.

Fresh off an 8 hour shift and a heaping helping of Mcdonald’s breakfast, I felt the only way to punch my weekend in the taint was to buy a rather awesome “one day only” Nightmare on Elm Street schwag set from Fright Rags.com, then see a remake of the 80’s horror classic with the same name.

Pre film goings on were sweet.  I desecrated the AMC theater toilet (I’m very proud of that achievement), compared my job to that of the dude stocking sodas in the mini fridge (I won), helped a retired old guy enjoy his final years by making him rip my ticket, then took my seat (dead center, middle row, with complete ass to chair-front plop-down action).  Speckled throughout the room was an omnium gatherum of “cute” couples, elderly folk, jocks who cut class, a nurse hanging out with her dad, and a fat girl in pig-tails.  A rather entertaining turn-out if you ask me.

A bunch of trailers preceded the movie.  Usually previews involve a similar theme as the one focused on in the film.  Not this time.  Only BURIED, PREDATORS, and SPLICE had a gore/fright vibe to them while MacGruber, Jonah Hex, Resident Evil:  Afterlife in 3-D, and Step Up 3-D had no place what so ever in the same galaxy as Freddy Krueger.  It was infuriating.  But every angry vibe that coursed through my fiery veins was doused like an out of control campfire the second the actual movie started.

Man, those guys over at Platinum Dunes sure know their stuff.  The opening music had my heart working faster than Lucile Ball in that episode with the candy conveyor-belt.  I was immediately sure that what ever was going to happen next would be wonderful.  I was right again.  They certainly didn’t skimp on the homages in this one.  Everything from starting off in the dream world to using the same breed of dog that Kincaid had in Nightmare 4 was done to perfection.  But we’ll get to that stuff a bit later.  Let’s first tackle the one flaw I found with this amazing work of art.

Bad Stuff: One of the biggest problems I have is that no matter how awesome I think something is, I seem to find the one tiny shit stain on the proverbial underpants.  I hate it, but sometimes it is warranted.  During the iconic bedroom wall-stretch scene, a real person pushing through the wall was replaced with horrible CGI.  Now, as far as computer effects go, we are now at the point where they should be seamless and not look like the Reaper from The Frighteners.  Dunes should have saved some coin and went the old flexible material route so that it looked more believable.   It didn’t look real and was a major buzz-kill.

Awesome Nerd Stuff: This remake was clearly made to cater to die-hard Nightmare fans, like me.  Unless you know the movies very well, you won’t be able to spot the subtle homages that are riddled throughout this film.  One of my favorites was during a funeral held for the first kid killed in the movie.  The director/writer ingeniously had a shot where characters Nancy, Jesse, and Kris stood from right to left.  It was like they resurrected the first three main characters, but made the girls super hot.

There were many memorable scenes from the original Nightmare that were cranked up to 11.  One unforgettable incident was when character Tina gets her chest sliced open and is dragged around the ceiling.  This time around was a bit more brutal.  Freddy had that bitch flying all around her room smashing into mirrors, crashing into lamps, as well as barrel-rolling across the ceiling.

Awesome.

It is now Sunday afternoon and I have 2 viewings under my belt (round two included a kick ass Texas Burger, tall glasses of beer, and a deep-fried pickle at a restaurant in the theater) and I’m still riding this Nightmare high.  A huge part of me wants to sit here gushing over every sweet part of the movie, however there are so many that my doing so would ruin the movie for you.  Use  your time wisely on this day of rest and take a trip to the theater.  I can proudly say this was the greatest remake I’ve ever seen.  That alone should be enough of a reason to see it.