“Alien Vs. Hunter” = Totally Unwatchable….Literally

May 21, 2013

AVH_aff2

(the tagline says: “Battlezone: EARTH”…like it matters)

Wow.  This is a first.  I have never in my life come across a movie that is such a blatant ripoff.  Really?  Alien Vs. Hunter?  They couldn’t even come up with a vaguely different name?  We’re witnessing a new form of lazy which requires a whole new word.  I mean, who in the hell did they think they were fooling?  They almost got me.  Almost.  Thankfully, they have a crackerjack team of writers over at Netflix.  What they came up with for a synopsis is pure gold: Read the rest of this entry »


Game Over: The Life & Adventures Of “EVOLVER”

May 20, 2013

evolver

The late 80’s and early 90’s were a great time to be a kid.  Computer generated effects were in their infancy, the Nintendo Entertainment System was at its peak, and many awesomely-bad sci-fi movies were being pumped out like no tomorrow.  My favorite brand of those films were the ones based around video games that tried to kill the players for real.  Just think about it.  What if Nintendo had the cojones to instal crazy military programing into Robbie The Robot?  Gyromite would’ve been a hell of a lot more difficult, I tell ya what.  I’ll do you one better.  What if Q from Star Trek: TNG was responsible for programing and designing the robot?  We’d be in for a world of shit.  EVOLVER is about that very thing. Read the rest of this entry »


Meh At The End Of The Street

May 19, 2013

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There really isn’t all that much to do when you’re working the graveyard shift.  Reading books and channel surfing tends to play a huge part in the down-time.  But ever since Netflix became available to me, via my phone and other media, I’ve been privy to the seemingly endless supply of mediocre movies they’ve acquired.  Tonight I took the Netflix wheel o’ wonders for a spin and was rewarded with indifference.  Ladies and gentlemen, here are my thoughts on House at the End of the Street. Read the rest of this entry »


Defender Discusses “DAYBREAKERS”

October 24, 2012

Let’s face it, vampires have been done to death these days.  Everything from turning them into sparkly sissies, giving them an HBO series, and having them go toe-to-toe with a former president has been churned out of tinsel-town lately.  Frankly, I’m sick of it.  They’re everywhere these days and they totally suck…and not in the awesome way.  I was beginning to lose hope that there would never be a truly great vampire movie again.  DAYBREAKERS changed all that. Read the rest of this entry »


Conan: The Dumb-barian

August 20, 2011

No amount of prayers will help your movie, Momoa

Since the colossal success of The Lord of the Rings, studio execs have been trying to bank on the grand-scale epicness perfected by Peter Jackson.  He managed to take the works of Tolkien to a level never dreamed possible while sticking true to the story and pacing them beautifully.  Why other directors can’t follow suit is beyond me.  These days they feel the need to bombard their audiences with quick/random cuts, grand swooping shots from the sky, and random scenarios that seem to say “hey, what do ya think of this?”.  Sadly, the 2011 take on the classic epic Conan: The Barbarian did just that. Read the rest of this entry »


Horcruxes, Butter-Beers, And Jailbait: An RBM Look At “HP 7”

November 19, 2010

Thursday nights are usually nothing special to me, other than being the precursor to my two days off.  This one was different.  Despite my initial instinct to use my time off to lounge around in my own stink watching stupid movies, I decided to join some fellow nerds for the premier of Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows (Part 1). Read the rest of this entry »


Drill-Bit Lobotomy: The “Shutter Island” Review

March 20, 2010

WOW. What a mind-fuck!!! As if I didn’t have enough to deal with when it comes to mental people at my work, now there’s psycho cinematic bullshit to juggle with.  And I’m on my damn vacation!

SHUTTER ISLAND is a film to be reckoned with, and I don’t mean in that old-school “hey-let’s-make-a-movie-about-mental-hospitals” way.  OH no. There are many levels to this movie. Read the rest of this entry »