“Alien Vs. Hunter” = Totally Unwatchable….Literally

May 21, 2013


(the tagline says: “Battlezone: EARTH”…like it matters)

Wow.  This is a first.  I have never in my life come across a movie that is such a blatant ripoff.  Really?  Alien Vs. Hunter?  They couldn’t even come up with a vaguely different name?  We’re witnessing a new form of lazy which requires a whole new word.  I mean, who in the hell did they think they were fooling?  They almost got me.  Almost.  Thankfully, they have a crackerjack team of writers over at Netflix.  What they came up with for a synopsis is pure gold: Read the rest of this entry »

Game Over: The Life & Adventures Of “EVOLVER”

May 20, 2013


The late 80’s and early 90’s were a great time to be a kid.  Computer generated effects were in their infancy, the Nintendo Entertainment System was at its peak, and many awesomely-bad sci-fi movies were being pumped out like no tomorrow.  My favorite brand of those films were the ones based around video games that tried to kill the players for real.  Just think about it.  What if Nintendo had the cojones to instal crazy military programing into Robbie The Robot?  Gyromite would’ve been a hell of a lot more difficult, I tell ya what.  I’ll do you one better.  What if Q from Star Trek: TNG was responsible for programing and designing the robot?  We’d be in for a world of shit.  EVOLVER is about that very thing. Read the rest of this entry »

Meh At The End Of The Street

May 19, 2013


There really isn’t all that much to do when you’re working the graveyard shift.  Reading books and channel surfing tends to play a huge part in the down-time.  But ever since Netflix became available to me, via my phone and other media, I’ve been privy to the seemingly endless supply of mediocre movies they’ve acquired.  Tonight I took the Netflix wheel o’ wonders for a spin and was rewarded with indifference.  Ladies and gentlemen, here are my thoughts on House at the End of the Street. Read the rest of this entry »

Defender Discusses “DAYBREAKERS”

October 24, 2012

Let’s face it, vampires have been done to death these days.  Everything from turning them into sparkly sissies, giving them an HBO series, and having them go toe-to-toe with a former president has been churned out of tinsel-town lately.  Frankly, I’m sick of it.  They’re everywhere these days and they totally suck…and not in the awesome way.  I was beginning to lose hope that there would never be a truly great vampire movie again.  DAYBREAKERS changed all that. Read the rest of this entry »

Conan: The Dumb-barian

August 20, 2011

No amount of prayers will help your movie, Momoa

Since the colossal success of The Lord of the Rings, studio execs have been trying to bank on the grand-scale epicness perfected by Peter Jackson.  He managed to take the works of Tolkien to a level never dreamed possible while sticking true to the story and pacing them beautifully.  Why other directors can’t follow suit is beyond me.  These days they feel the need to bombard their audiences with quick/random cuts, grand swooping shots from the sky, and random scenarios that seem to say “hey, what do ya think of this?”.  Sadly, the 2011 take on the classic epic Conan: The Barbarian did just that. Read the rest of this entry »

Horcruxes, Butter-Beers, And Jailbait: An RBM Look At “HP 7”

November 19, 2010

Thursday nights are usually nothing special to me, other than being the precursor to my two days off.  This one was different.  Despite my initial instinct to use my time off to lounge around in my own stink watching stupid movies, I decided to join some fellow nerds for the premier of Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows (Part 1). Read the rest of this entry »

Drill-Bit Lobotomy: The “Shutter Island” Review

March 20, 2010

WOW. What a mind-fuck!!! As if I didn’t have enough to deal with when it comes to mental people at my work, now there’s psycho cinematic bullshit to juggle with.  And I’m on my damn vacation!

SHUTTER ISLAND is a film to be reckoned with, and I don’t mean in that old-school “hey-let’s-make-a-movie-about-mental-hospitals” way.  OH no. There are many levels to this movie. Read the rest of this entry »

Among The ‘Living’: “American Zombie” In Review

April 16, 2009


When one hears the word ‘zombie’, thoughts of flesh ripping, brain eating, and undead hordes come to mind.  What a racist train of thought.  Haven’t you ever wondered how they feel about such stereotypes?  Through the glory that is Netflix, I happened upon a little documentary that I simply couldn’t pass up. Read the rest of this entry »

Attack Of The Killer….Review

February 4, 2009


In my quest to find the cheeziest movies ever created, I never imagined that I would stumble across the Holy Grail of cheesieness.  Attack of the Killer Tomatoes has to be the goofiest damn film ever, and I’ve sat through Basket Case 3Read the rest of this entry »

Forgotten Failures: 12/02/08 edish

December 2, 2008

Rare cheezy movies are my thing. The films in my collection are so painful to watch, that they require medical professionals on stand-by. But every now and then a film will pop up that catches even me by surprise. For this edition of Forgotten Failures, we’re going to travel way back to 1980. A time when handle-bar mustaches walked the earth, Commies were at your back door, and children could melt you with their bare hands.


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Bond Is The Balls: Casino Royale Review

November 8, 2008

There are many Bond films that make people go nuts. The only ones for me involved a Connery Bond, that is until tonight. Casino Royale wasn’t just a good Bond film, it kicked my ass.


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Ready To Vomit

October 9, 2008

The mid to late 90’s was a great time in professional wrestling. Three organizations were duking it out to be supreme in extreme. We had Monday Night Raw with the WWF (the true name of the company), Monday Night Nitro with WCW, and ECW on Friday nights. It was the age of edgy, when being a douche like the guys of DX was the hip thing. None could compete with ECW (Extreme Championship Wrestling to you wuss bags) when it came to being hard-core, giving us more blood than TV would allow. The sport was so huge, that Hollywood studios started making movies with some of the wrestlers. Who doesn’t remember Terry “Hulk” Hogan battling Zeus in No Holds Bared? One of these films happened to be on the tube last night. It was just what Vince Mcmahon needed to firmly clench his greasy fingers around the throat of the wrestling world. WCW’s very own: Ready To Rumble.

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