Pondering The Aftermath of “A Nightmare on Elm Street 3”

June 7, 2013


There are certain movies that one can watch countless times and never get sick of.  Everybody has their list.  I keep mine in a little box next to my bed.  Half the fun of re-watching these movies isn’t just in the recitation of every line.  No, sir.  The bulk of the enjoyment comes when you notice something brand new in a movie you’ve seen more times than your I.Q. score.  This very thing happened to me quite recently. Read the rest of this entry »

5 Most Underrated Horror Flix

October 29, 2010

Halloween time has snapped its rotting head in our direction, and boy is my DVD collection running for the hills.  While most people are torturing their young with new and horrific ways to cram them into mom-made animal/object/food costumes, I’m busy mutilating my horror movie section for a night of gore-filled bliss. Read the rest of this entry »

“IT’S PARTY TIME!”: A Return Of The Living Dead Q&A

October 19, 2010

“Do you ever FANTASIZE..about being KILLED?”

MORE OF THIS MONSTER MANIA CRAP?!“.  Yes.  More of this Monster Mania crap.  I wasn’t kidding when I said a ton of stuff happened at this thing, and trying to fill all you maniacs in on it all is a lot of work.  Being sick for an entire week didn’t help matters much, either.  But never the less, let’s get on with it. Read the rest of this entry »

Product Of The Week: The KFC Double Down

September 28, 2010

There are some who say that KFC is the McDonalds of chicken.  I disagree.  KFC is more like the Burger King of chicken; not good for you at all, yet still better than McDonalds.  A new product joined the menu at KFC a few months back, hitting me right in the stomach.  It’s called the “Double Down”, a sandwich that has pissed off health nuts across the globe.  Smart people have been giving rave reviews of this wild concoction, but I wasn’t able to acquire one….until recently. Read the rest of this entry »

Hot Heroines And “Gore”geous Girls: The Art Of David M. Bancroft

September 23, 2010

Gorgeous fantasy women are hard to find.  They need great legs, a killer rack, flat stomach, and hair that lightly tickles their butt-crack.  Capturing such perfection on paper isn’t easy, I know cuz I’ve tried.  But artist/illustrator David M. Bancroft has done just that, I shit you not. Read the rest of this entry »

Prick Of The Month: August 2010

August 10, 2010

“What a twist!”

Dario Argento.  George A. Romero.  Lucio Fulci.  Sam Raimi.  John Carpenter.  M. Night Shyamalan.  All of these names have become synonymous with the horror/thriller movie genres, but one of them is not like the others.  One of them just doesn’t belong.  The films created by this “man” are as silly and stupid as his last name, yet for some reason have struck a chord with young fright fans of today.  He recently ruined a wonderful cartoon that airs on Nickelodeon, though you’d have to pay me a hefty sum to watch his film adaptation.  Let’s give this chowder-head prick the honor he deserves, for he has earned it many times over.  Your Prick of the Month is none other than M. Night Shamamalamadingdong. Read the rest of this entry »

The Cartoon Bone Yard

July 13, 2010

I could have spent my afternoon doing something productive, but instead, I’ve dredged up some wonderful forgotten cartoons from the late 80’s and early 90’s for you all to enjoy.  Every cartoon I’ve found for this post is extra special so, without further time wasting, I give you:  The Cartoon Bone Yard. Read the rest of this entry »

Top 5: Film Series Who’s 2nd Sequel Melts Your Face

June 16, 2010

Face it, movies are awesome.  They find a way to plunge their phantom claws deep into our minds, freeing the trapped child that years of growing up has imprisoned.  Some films are so good at mental prison-breaks, that we demand sequel after sequel in order feel those youthful emotions surge through our bodies once again.  Nine times out of ten, those sequels are heinous let-downs which flush young-us right back to the depths of our subconsciousness.  But every once in a while, a movie franchise comes along that delivers the pair of sequel boner-shorts (thanks for that one Oh Mars) we’ve been waiting for. Read the rest of this entry »

Let’s Get LOST: “The End”

May 24, 2010


That’s it, that’s it, it’s all over.  Pack it up boys.  That’s the end of The Shredder.  After 6 long years of brain-aches, arguments with friends over theories, countless amounts of unanswered questions and leaked facial water, the television phenom LOST has moved on to join other amazing shows in the realm of final episodes.  Read the rest of this entry »


March 26, 2010

I need to get this off my chest immediately.  The following will go down in history as the most difficult review that I have ever done in my life; mentally and emotionally.  Now that that’s out of the way, let’s do it to it.

Tonight marks my 4th time having my brains blown out by the lovely Californian cuties know to most as The Donnas.  I thought it nearly impossible for them to top last summer’s show at the Bank of America Pavilion.  Apparently, the fates saw things differently. Read the rest of this entry »

Let’s Get LOST: “Sundown”

March 3, 2010

Sitting by yourself in a movie theater watching LOST is fucking awesome, even if it is last week’s Pop-Up Video re-play.  I got a good 20 minutes of tranquility before people started to trickle into Salem Cinema, and boy did I enjoy those 20 minutes.  *wink wink*

With some good friends by my side, my eyes prepared themselves for what I had hoped to be a mind blowing episode.  But thanks to some ass-face with a watermelon head, the experience wasn’t all that great for me.  No amount of head crushing helped my situation, so I was only able to soak up portions of this Sayid centric installment. Read the rest of this entry »

Defender And Oh Mars Feast On A Slice Of “AVATAR” Pie

August 22, 2009


“Yeah…I heard the word shit, AND I saw a boob.”- Oh Mars

It feels good being an awesome person.  You get first dibs on certain things that the normies have to wait months for, receive discounts on over priced theater tickets, and become one of the select few to see a small part of AVATAR, the much anticipated James Cameron film.  Lord Oh Mars and I happen to be such people. Read the rest of this entry »

Prick Of The Month: August ’09

August 5, 2009


Half the fun of pondering over who could be a monumental prick is in the research.  You never know who the right candidate is until the heat starts to rise from deep within, boiling your blood, and planting a lasting crease on your brow.  I have to use epic restraint when talking about this month’s title-holder, for if I don’t my fist will end up flying through my monitor.  He is one of the many SNL alums to prove that if you completely rip off another person’s gimmick, you get rewarded with your very own Late Night talk show later on in life.  Saying his name aloud sends wave, after wave of seething hatred racing through my veins.  Hell, the more I look at this picture, the sharper the daggers in my eyes become.  Best for me to just get this out of the way.  This month’s prick….Jimmy Fallon (hwaaaaarf!!!!). Read the rest of this entry »

Prick of the Month: July 2009

July 21, 2009


The month of July is nearing it’s final days, yet a new prick has not been chosen.  There was good reason for this brash decision.  You see, the end of last few months have been laden with celebrity deaths; TEST of the WWE, Starlog, Dave Arneson, J. G. Ballard, Bea Arthur, Dom DeLuise, David Carradine, Farrah Fawcett, and Michael Jackson just to name a few.  I can’t remember the last time this many famous folk were sent to their afterlives before the year reached its mid-point.  Because all of these famous flames have been doused, I decided to wait a while and see if any other stars would be extinguished; it didn’t take long.  The only person thing that makes sense to choose for July’s Prick of the Month is none other than the greatest prick of all time.  It goes by many names, takes many forms, and we all must face this racketeer from The River Styx at some point in our lives (normally at the end).  Raise your scythes for the man in black…Death. Read the rest of this entry »

Product Of The Week

July 8, 2009


Why hault the momentum of a raging good time for a Taco Bell run, at 1 in the morning, when you could just bust open a bag of taco goodness and keep on a rockin’.

A fabulous new flavor has been created at the Doritos factory, almost as if they had me in mind while making it. Read the rest of this entry »

Scattered Remains, Splattered Brains: Monster-Mania Con ’09 In Review

June 15, 2009

“Dark gray clouds hovered on the horizon.  A crisp summer breeze wafted through the strawberry-blond locks set atop the warrior’s head, as he readied adventuring gear.  His mind went over the list of supplies that stumbled around in his booze soaked skull; a side effect from the night before.  All that was left was to meet up with his traveling companion, Wooster Of The Hill People, and the long trek could begin.  The warrior steeled his gaze at the road ahead of him.  It was time.  Monster-Mania Con had come.”

Monster-Mania Con 6 12-6 14 2009 096

After months of preparation, I took off to Connecticut to spend the weekend at a horror convention.  Nothing in my wildest dreams could have prepared me for what the Gore Gods had in store for me.  My buddy Wooster and I continually bounced total baffoonery off one another, loud music rocked the air around us, while questions of what lay ahead of us were tossed around, and this was just the first day! Read the rest of this entry »

Prick Of The Month: May 2009

May 1, 2009


Due to total dedication to the craft of alcohol consumption, April zipped by without having  a nominee for Prick of the Month.  This is a superior party foul on my part.  As a way of making things right, this month is getting a pair of pricks right in the face. Read the rest of this entry »

School Bus Drivers STILL Need Our Help

April 7, 2009

A little while back I reported that we needed to help school bus drivers, remember? Well, apparently they still need our help because this is just a little too far over the line to be pulling in a school bus full of elementary students no matter how awful those rascally bastards are acting:

BRATTLEBORO, Vt. – A bus driver accused of slamming on the brakes to discipline children on her bus when they misbehaved was arrested. Police said the sudden stops caused the elementary school children to hit their heads on the seat in front of them or fall on to the floor. No one was seriously injured.

According to WCAX-TV, the 38-year-year-old driver was charged with careless and negligent operation (source).

Really, Mrs. Brattleboro, Vermont. School Bus Driver? Opie and Anthony used to talk about the “perv-switch” that is in peoples’ heads and how whenever one of these psycho dudes gropes some chick on a subway or exposes himself it’s because their perv-switch just flipped and they were no longer in control. Interesting theory to say the least. Well, I think that something similar must have happend to this woman. She’s probably been dealing with these whippersnappers for several years now, putting up with the whinning, taunting, teasing and whatever other incessant bullshit kids are pulling on school buses these days and finally just snapped.  In this case I would call it a malfunction of the logic-switch.

Now, I know we’ve all done this before with passengers in our car, but that right there is what makes all the difference in the world. We’re in OUR cars with OUR dumb friends who need to be taught a lesson. I personally blame the economy for this type of incident. We’re starting to see a lot of people just freaking out and doing bogus shit and my guess is that it’s because these people who are already pretty strapped for cash and living on a tight budget are being put under even crazier pressure with bills, mortgages, food prices, health insurance, North Korea firing missiles, earthquakes killing people in Italy and Obama’s over in Europe so no one’s even here to make us feel better and GAAAAA I feel like I’m taking crazy pills and WHAM!!! You slam your brakes because little Billy just whipped a ding-dong at the back of your head.

Everyone just be cool.

Defender’s Snack-Food Rock-Talk

March 19, 2009


If one intends to partake in some serious hard rockin’ with Defender, one must understand that certain rules apply.  Cranking loud metal music to 11 is only a small portion of what is expected of those who wish to live in pure hedonism.  Out of the numerous minor requirements, fellow adventurers must have a learned way in the art of snacking.  Sounds like a simple task, don’t it?  Well yer WRONG MISTER!  You have to be willing to push your body to the breaking point. Read the rest of this entry »

Product Of The Week: Dan Aykroyd’s Cabernet Sauvignon

March 1, 2009


Friday.  February 27th, 4 p.m.  Legendary actor/comedian Dan Aykroyd graced the lives of the numerous patrons at Kappy’s Fine Wine and Spirits on route 114 in Peabody.  He arrived in great splendor to promote his decedant beverage, and sign autographs for all in attendance. Those of legal drinking age, were lucky enough to sample his Cabernet Sauvignon and Chardonnay. Read the rest of this entry »