“Jennifer’s Body” Puts The SUCK In Succubus

Waiting for the hype of new films to die out is kind of my thing.  I stress out enough thinking about how much of my gut is sticking out of the bottom of my t-shirt, so spending two hours in a packed theater with hormone riddled high schoolers and overly excited nerds is something I can do without.  Every now and then a film gets released that requires me to dawn my armor and venture forth, but Jennifer’s Body wasn’t one of ’em.

Like most guys, I only watched this film for one reason:  the off chance of some Megan Fox boobage.  I wasn’t so lucky.  However there were a few (and only a few) pleasant surprises.  But before I get to them, I feel it incumbent upon myself to explain what this movie is about.   Be patient with me, I’m still not quite sure what it was that I actually watched.

“Needy” is a cute little nerd-girl (played by Amanda Seyfried) who tells us her story as to how she ended up in a nut house.  Her long-time conceited cheerleader friend Jennifer (played by Megan Fox) drags her to a bar (one that I would frequent weekly, mind you) so they can see some lame ass emo band.  Through their sappy music and abundance of eye-liner, the band seduces Jennifer into their van while the bar burns to the ground.  Needy returns home all upset that a band might be doing nefarious things to her BFF.  She couldn’t be more right cuz that’s what guys in bands do with hot girls.

Jennifer shows up at Needy’s place covered in blood, gore, and nefariousness then pukes black-evil on her floor.  Why not, right?  From that point on, bad shit starts happening to the city of “Devil’s Kettle”.  Dudes from every high school stereotype start showing up all ripped apart and half eaten, while Jennifer looks hotter than ever.  Every few days she shows up all frumpy like Needy, though that changes after a midnight snack of foreign exchange student or goth dude.

As Jennifer’s victims begin to pile up, BFF Needy puts her nose to the books and learns that Jennifer has become a succubus.  The whole thing gets explained right after one of the sexiest girl on girl kiss scenes I’ve witness since I saw Black Swan for the first time.  It’s pretty hot.

Told you so.  I know a good g.o.g. kiss when I see one.

Not much else was worth watching in the movie.  Seeing Amanda Seyfried strip down to her bra and get felt-up by her man was the only other part I liked.  Sure there was a lot of “I’m gonna take my clothes off but not really take my clothes off” courtesy of Megan Fox.  But I was kind of hoping for some original ways for her to bump people off.

Maybe there was something I missed because I was too busy wishing that Amanda Seyfried would be in my room upon my return from work.  I don’t know.  What I do know is that the only time I’d watch this again is if I had about 12 beers in me.  ‘Till that time, here’s the trailer and a few stills from the film.

Testing out powers or normal phone activity?


is it bad that I’m turned on by this?  I’m gonna say yes.


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