Halloween time has snapped its rotting head in our direction, and boy is my DVD collection running for the hills. While most people are torturing their young with new and horrific ways to cram them into mom-made animal/object/food costumes, I’m busy mutilating my horror movie section for a night of gore-filled bliss.
Each year has become increasingly difficult for me to select films to watch that aren’t your normal Devil’s Night go-tos. Elm Street, Friday, and (insert favorite never-gets-old zombie movie here) shouldn’t be used for a monster marathon when there are so many others that deserve their annual dust-off. I’ve chosen 5 from my collection that you may or may not know. If anything, I hope you’ll be inspired to dawn a costume and scan the Netflix instant viewer as you’re sucking down some cold ones alone on Halloween night. Cuz let’s face it, you and me both know that’s how the night’s going to end up.
#5: THE STUFF
“Are you eating IT, or is It eating YOU?”
As children, we all had that one snack-food that simply made our brains go berserk-shit. No matter what kind of despicable lies our parents fed us about heath hazards, we continued to shovel massive amounts of junk into our craws. Why? Because it tasted good. Or was their another reason? Is it possible that the food we were consuming was actually working it’s way into our brains, turning us into mindless slaves with a candy coated shell and a creamy filling? THE STUFF brings such questions to the table. It also has a nice message to corporate fat cats and their insatiable need to shove gross products in our faces.
Rundown: A strange substance is found in a cave by some redneck. That same redneck eats it, thinks it tastes awesome, then markets it as a sweet new dessert. Brilliantly named THE STUFF, this new after-dinner-treat sweeps the country. But a few people start noticing some strange things a happenin’, mostly in the form of STUFF fiends exploding into an evil blob of the very goo they sold their car for. Seems to me that a snack that lethal should be stopped. Former FBI agent turned industrial saboteur David “Mo” Rutherford, advertising exec Nicole, and a kid named Jason plan to do that very thing.
#4: The Outing or The Lamp (Same film/two titles)
“Your wish is granted. Long live Jambi”
Some old ladies have FAR too much shit in their houses. It’s even worse when the old lady lives in a really old mansion all by herself. They can hardly get around the place without aid from another, and the dusting…forgetaboutit. So when two 80’s crooks and their floozy break into an ivy covered estate looking for shit, the decrepit woman who resides there should just say where all the good crap is instead of holding out on them. A situation like that will only end bad.
Rundown: Two 80’s crooks and their floozy kill an old lady for hiding her prized Aladin style lamp behind her bedroom wall. One of the bad-guys stays to give the lamp a once over while the other two go for a dip in the algae-filled pool. Because he’s totally fucking brilliant, the dude with the lamp rubs some dust off it, letting loose the demon trapped within. They all die and demon returns to the lamp.
A team from a museum gets called in to catalog all the antiques, finds the lamp, examines it, the demon gets free, and a bunch of teens get killed while throwing an after hours party in the museum. Oh yeah, who ever wears this bracelet with gems on it and frees the demon is the “master”, I think. Sounds lame, but it’s a great movie. I still don’t know why it’s called The Outing.
(no trailer, yet the whole movie is on Youtube)
#3: Deadly Friend
“She can’t live…without YOU.”
What do you do when you’re a teenage genius with little to know friends? Most try to stifle their smart urges so they don’t get their ass kicked on a daily basis. But those who are skilled at robotics, AND have complete understanding of how the human brain works, simply build their own friends; dead or alive.
Rundown: Based off the novel FRIEND, and directed by Wes Craven while others were butchering the Elm Street movies, Deadly Friend tells the tale of a young science wizard named Paul who has built an 80’s robot with a functioning artificial intelligence. Named BB, the robot helps Paul befriend college student Tom, woo super hot neighbor girl Sam(played by Kristy Swanson), and ward off the local bullies.
After Halloween larks, Tom convinces Paul to make BB pick the lock on Elvira “Mama Fratelli” Parker’s fence. She busts out her 12gage, then BB gets blowed up. What a shit way to end Halloween. But don’t worry, it gets worse. Sam’s dad beats the living hell out of her one night (partly cuz she was fraternizing with Paul, but mostly cuz he’s a dick), knocking her down the stairs and into the next world. Now, Paul has lost both his loves. He decides to take BB’s motherboard to the morgue where Sam’s body is so that he can stick it in her brain. That kind of stuff was a big deal back then. Needless to say, wacky hijinks ensue.
#2: BASKET CASE
“What’s in the basket?”
Family is everything, to some. They’ll go to great lengths to help one another weather it be aiding a sibling on a science project, being mom’s cookie-sheet greaser, holding the flashlight for dad while he repairs the station-wagon, or simply ripping apart the people responsible for you living in a wicker basket.
Rundown: Duane is an odd duck. He’s always seen walking around town with a rather large, padlocked, wicker basket in his hands. What’s in the basket, you ask? Belial, Duane’s deformed blob of a brother! Doctors separated them when they were kids, so Belial is out for blood. Duane, on the other hand, just wants a normal life. But how will Belial survive without Duane? I’m not even sure if Belial can wipe his own ass!
#1: THE BEING
“The ultimate terror has taken form.”
Toxic waste rules. It’s crazy chemical makeup has helped create such awesome things as The Toxic Avenger, Daredevil, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, as well as my silly sense of humor (barrels of the stuff were found under my old elementary school). Not all things that come from toxic waste are good, however.
Rundown: Strange and unexplained events are occurring in the distant town of Pottsville, Idaho (a town not much different from any other Main Street, USA). Some people are missing, porno is possibly making its way through, and Easter Sunday seems to last for weeks. A cop who thinks out loud, a waitress who works at night when it’s daylight outside the diner windows, and a sleazy businessman who likes to camp in the local disposal dump, have joined forces to destroy a monster that’s super intelligent and at the same time completely psychotic. Thank god for the potatoes.
Only 2 short days remain until total chaos is unleashed in Salem, MA. Do yourself a favor and stay in. Watch movies, mix beer with the hard stuff, then thank what ever deity you worship for dumping you in a time where so many great films are available at your fingertips. While you’re doing that…I’ll call the mayor.