Face it, movies are awesome. They find a way to plunge their phantom claws deep into our minds, freeing the trapped child that years of growing up has imprisoned. Some films are so good at mental prison-breaks, that we demand sequel after sequel in order feel those youthful emotions surge through our bodies once again. Nine times out of ten, those sequels are heinous let-downs which flush young-us right back to the depths of our subconsciousness. But every once in a while, a movie franchise comes along that delivers the pair of sequel boner-shorts (thanks for that one Oh Mars) we’ve been waiting for.
I’ve noticed a strange formula surrounding huge movie franchises. Most of the time it never fails me, but ya can’t win all the time. First they hit us with the original story-line/idea/bad-guy/awesomeness. We love it SO much, we yearn for more. They then deliver total shit. Remember Freddy’s Revenge?
After the studio big-wigs realize their total flub, something astounding happens. A third movie gets made and it’s so incredible that it requires a post-sex smoke. Yes, it’s that good. So in the spirit of ass-kicking third movies, I’ve decided to compile a list of the 5 that I feel are the greatest ever (in no particular order, though 1 will be THE BEST).
5) Escape From The Planet of The Apes
In the third act of the Apes saga, Taylor has blown Gorill-Earth to shit with a nuke, and Nova’s killer legs are no more. But on a more serious note, Cornelius and Zira have traveled back in time to early 1970’s Earth with one of their fellow chimps (Dr. Milo). Naturally, the government freaks out, tosses them in a zoo, and Milo gets killed.
The media takes a shine to the pacifist primates; showering them with ’70s clothing, lavish parties, boxing matches, and even allowing Zira to join a woman’s liberation group. In time, a drunk Zira spills the beans to a tape-recorder about our future (she really knows how to make a mess of things, huh?). To make matters worse for us, she’s totally prego! Once Uncle Sam (represented by the evil Dr. Otto Hasslein) learns of this, he is left with no choice but to slay them. After all, wouldn’t you do your damnedest to prevent apes ruling the world?
The main reason why I have chosen Escape has to do with the darker tone of the movie. It seriously holds a mirror up to our nasty habit of destroying that which we do not understand. Plus I cry at the brutal ending, every time I see it.
4) Puppet Master 3: Toulon’s Revenge
Clearly the best of the entire Puppet Master series, Toulon’s Revenge takes us on a happy little adventure to World War II. Along with trying to rule the entire planet, the Nazi’s have been toiling in labs attempting to develop a serum that will animate their dead. Nothing has worked. But when word gets out of puppeteer Andre Toulon putting on shows with string-less puppets, they will stop at nothing to learn the secret. They even go as far as killing Toulon’s love Elsa. BIG MISTAKE. Each one of Toulon’s “little friends” are fully equipped with the tools nessacary to enact a little swift justice. My favorite is Tunneler. The dude has a damn drill on his head.
Probably the greatest thing about this movie is it’s heart. It’s tells us where Toulon learned the animation magic from, while letting us know that each one of his “little friends” was at one time a real person. He somehow imbues their spirit in these marionettes, all while giving them a sweet vicious quirk at the same time. Take Blade, for example. Toulon makes him as a parody to the total ass-face Nazi, Major Krauss. “Like looking into a mirror, is it not? Now you can see what a small man you really are, Major Krauss”. Awesome.
3) The Muppets Take Manhattan
Say what negative things you will, this film will forever hold a special place in my enlarged heart. If it wasn’t for this movie, I never would have made it through the summer vacation I spent wearing a huge sock on my legs (I suffered a massive burn when I was a kid).
Fresh out of college, Kermit and company venture out into the world to fulfill their dreams of being on Broadway. A harsh reality-check gets dumped on their lap when they learn breaking into “the business” isn’t all glitz and glamor. Things go SO bad they’re forced to split up.
Even though the only other person to successfully “take Manhattan” was Jason Voorhees, The Muppets Take Manhattan has it all. Memorable songs, early ’80s celebrity cameos, the Muppet Babies, and the long awaited wedding of Kermit and The Pig.
2) Ernest Scared Stupid
“YAY I CALL THE FORTH, TRANTOR!” (BOOM…BOOM…BOOM). Dooming words for the town of Briarville, Missouri. You see, Long Ago (as the time period reads in the film) Trantor the Troll was terrorizing the children of Briarville, turning them into wooden statues so he could release an army of booger-lipped baddies. The townsfolk captured him, and buried the bastard under a sapling; which the reverend Phineas Worrell then proclaimed: “And HERE he shall be buried. And this oak-tree will seal his fate. It’s roots will be his prison…which must NEVER be disturbed.”.
Trantor had other plans. He place a massive curse on the reverend’s bloodline that causes each generation to get dumber. Enter Ernest P Worrell: “Garbage Man”. While helping the local kids deal with a portly bully and his wormy henchman, Ernest unleashed the beast below the very tree Trantor was entombed in.
Looks like the double-nosed fuck really knows his curses.
Many will bump heads with me for saying Scared Stupid is the best Ernest movie. Well, you know what? I don’t give a damn. I have the high-ground, the authentic Bulgarian MIAK, and a cannon that fires dog food. Bring it on!
1) A Nightmare On Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors
He’s battled a lynch-mob, booby-traps, and body possession. He wears the same hat and sweater every single day, and even when it’s hot outside, he wears it anyway. He comes to them at night after they crawl into bed. He’s burnt-up like a weenie and his name is Fred. Fred Krueger, to be exact.
It’s common knowledge that Dream Warriors is THE BEST NIGHTMARE FILM OF ALL TIME. The story: Freddy is still up to his old shenanigans of offing the Elm Street teens in their sleep. But this time, they’re all locked away at Westin Hills “Psychiatric” Hospital for suicide attempts. Can’t escape your dreams there. That is unless you are mad enough to cut off your own eye-lids to stay awake.
The kids are without a doubt the best characters in the series. I WISH I could control my dreams as well as these assholes. They’re so good at dreaming that they’re able to tap into their own special dream power. Kristen can pull others into her dreams, Will walks around as “The Wizard Master”, Taryn is beautiful and bad, Joey yells like Banshee from the MARVEL universe, and Kincaid gets stronger and ballsier:
Course, they don’t always work.
’80s hair-metal band DOKKEN plays a major role in this picture. They’re the first group of dudes to give the nightmare-man a nightmare of his own.
I could write page after page about how incredible this movie is. Every little bit is stupendous. From Freddy’s ironic way of killing people; to the hot nurse showing her hospital hooters; to Patricia Arquette being Patricia Arquette; Dream Warriors is the best.
There you have it. Should you disagree with any of my selections, please leave comments.