Halloween has become an annual event where sluts need not be ashamed of their sluttish ways, muscle-heads dawn lame outfits that range from a beer keg to a pimp, and nerds can safely walk the streets in their LARPing gear without fear of wedgies. The true spirit of that wonderful holiday has been lost to daytime trick-or-treating, corporate candy-making curmudgeons, as well as a complete lack of costume creativity. But things weren’t always like this.
There was a time when every kid in the neighborhood could feel Halloween in the air. It was this vibe that tickled your inner devil, causing you to get all warm and mischievous inside. Parents and school teachers alike would stop at nothing to make sure that us kids thoroughly understood the holiday. It was intoxicating. My entire elementary school would be decked out with black and orange streamers, we got the okay to attend class in our costumes, and the teachers would let us watch scary movies instead of learning math. The Worst Witch was one of those movies.
Long before Harry Potter found his wizard wings, Mildred Hubble (played by Fairuza Balk) learned the ways of the witch at a highly esteemed witch academy. Her days were full of brewing potions with Miss Hardbroom, getting flying lessons from Miss Spellbinder, and dealt with being constantly tormented by a snobby rich-bitch named Ethel Hallow. The little see you next tuesday even cursed the broom she lent to Mildred during their performance for The Grand Wizard!
Tim Curry as The Gran Wizard
Mildred couldn’t do anything right and as a result was picked on by the other students, plus belittled by teachers. Dubbed “the worst witch in the entire school” by headmaster Miss Cackle, Mildred was left with no choice other than to ditch those ass-clowns. But the chance for Mildred to prove them all wrong is at hand! Miss Cackle’s twin sister Agatha has plotted to turn everyone at the academy into toads. Mildred stumbled upon Agatha’s little coven of heavy metal maidens while running away from her problems. Can she stop these harpies from zapping the entire academy into wart infested water hoppers, saving those who wouldn’t stop verbally shitting on her? Frankly, I think she should just warn the hot Miss Spellbinder and the one girl who stuck up for her.
Watching this movie after a good 24 years was quite enjoyable. Sure special effects technology is light years ahead of what we had in ’86. But all of those old feelings I would get when October rolled around came rushing back like a swarm of vampire bats. Besides, how often do you get to see Tim Curry singing a Halloween themed song in front of a blue-screen that only 1986 could deliver? Hardly ever!
I know, I know. Halloween is months away. But when a made for tv movie from your past demands to be watched, YOU WATCH IT! It’s bad for your brain to fight those nostalgia urges. However, should the off chance arise where viewing the movie isn’t enough for your animalistic inner child, here’s a picture of Fairuza Balk at her magical peak.
Something tells me Ethel Hallow would think twice about fucking with Mildred now.