Where’s KRATOS When You Need Him?

Payday is suppose to be a joyous occasion.  All of those tedious hours of hump-busting normally reward you with a moderate amount of green paper to which you use on entertainment or sustenance.  Not this week for happy-go-lucky Defender.

I awoke at the unnatural hour of 12pm today, ready to brave the cloudless sky for some theater time with a buddy of mine.  What a mistake that turned out to be. For starters, there were so many fucking cars with stupid old people and hopped up horny teens behind the wheel that I had to meet my friend at the theater, otherwise we would be late for the film.  So today is “Good Friday”.  Big..FUCKING…whoop.  Stay at home and kiss the ass of your savior until Sunday.  You don’t need to collect the kids and pack them into the Wagon Queen Family Truckster, only to put yet one more hulking heap of hardware in my damn way.  Traffic is moving like old people fuck, just to give you an idea of the kind of Hell I had to sit through just to see the remake of 1981’s Clash of the Titans (in 3D).

Things didn’t get much better for me at the theater.  I shelled out a retarded $13.50 for an unnecessary 3D version of Clash of the Titans 2010, all because movie advertisers know how to tickle my fantasy bone.  What did I get for money I could have put towards a Cajun Burger at The Border Cafe later this evening?  About an hour and a half of rushed story filled with mythological fluff, mispronunciations, dialogue that only Thundercat Tigra would spit out, and blurred action due to a sloppy 3D conversion.

Hey writer guys, did you just bring a rack of 30stones and a copy of God of War 2 when you were banging out script ideas?  Because if you didn’t you sure had me fooled.  I think through your rousing chants of “OH SHIT, HE RIPPED THAT BITCH’S HEAD RIGHT THE FUCK OFF!” you lost the gravity of the characters’ situation.  Traveling to Hades is a big fucking deal, not a spirited jaunt down the River Styx.  Even Charon the boatman was crude.  I’ve seen better animatronics at Chuck E Cheese.

Ray Harryhausen should whip out his lawyer guns for what was done do his memorable Kraken, even if it is an homage.  The thing looked like that radioactive salamander Matthew Broderick wrestled on Broadway in Godzilla (the ’98 version), only riddled with tentacles and a grumpier disposition.  The Being would’ve made a better Kraken than this one!

Even though this adaptation strayed off the path from the original Titans story and gave us the Sesame Street spin on mythology, a few decent things were speckled throughout the talking picture.  Liam Neeson as Zeus was a perfect casting job.  He’s nailed every fantasy roll he’s played since EXCALIBUR.

The updated Medusa was quite boneriffic.  I’m quite familiar with the story of this gorgon so seeing her with a sexy face this time rocked.  Perky scaled boobs and feathered snake hair were a nice contrast to her constricting reptilian appendage.  Her face transformed into psycho-bitch when she turned on her statue stare, so I couldn’t complain about the lack of monster vision.

When the movie ended, all I wanted to do was rush home and start playing God of War.  You could call that another pro in Titans‘ favor, but knowing that an actual God of War film is in the works simply buries that thought.  I went in to see a Burgess Meredith type, a Calibos worth calling a villain, a little “hello” from Harry Hamlin, and a story with heart.  The only thing to come remotely close was a cameo from Bubo.

Clash of the Titans 2010 is great if you’re a 12 year old watching WSBK TV38 at Nana’s house on a Sunday afternoon.  Any older and you’ll just sit there wishing for the annual New Years’ Eve Stooges marathon.

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