Let’s Get LOST: “Ab Aeterno”

I don’t mind going to watch LOST at Cinema Salem with my friends, in fact I love it.  What I don’t love is when my friends strategically choose their seats so I end up behind the largest cranium in the theater.  But even with Lord Large Lobes obstructing my view of the screen, last week’s all Alpert episode was the bee’s knees.

Unlike every single past installment, last week brought a full flashback into what caused Richardo Alpert’s lengthy life, and it all began in 1867.  Just to give you the scope of how long ago that is, they didn’t even have pong OR Taco Bell.

Richard’s wife Isabella came down with a bad case of dying, and being the honorable man that he is, Richard kicked his horse into 2nd gear to find the local physician.  Turns out the doc is a dick.  He didn’t feel like getting his hair wet (cuz let’s face it, who want’s frizzy hair?) so he charged Richard an insane amount of coin for some meds.  Richard handed over the only wealth he had:  a few coins and the gold cross necklace from Isabella.  Doc got pissed, refused to give the meds, and a scuffle broke out.  Now when you’re going to fight a doctor, you need to be fully aware of your surroundings.  Richard was not.  He pushed the doc into the table, smacking the back of his head off of it, killing him instantly.  Whoops.

As a result of his sloppy scuffle, Richard was arrested in thrown in jail.  If you thought the doc was a douche, you should see how the priests treat him.  One came so Richard could give confession.  The dude basically told him he’s gonna burn in hell for killing someone.  What a shit head.  Thankfully, a wealthy guy by the name of Captain Magnus Hanso was in need of a few good slaves.  I bet Richard is glad he taught himself English.

While on their way to “the new world”, Hanso’s ship The Black Rock made an unscheduled stop.  A crazy storm sent the ship flying into the face of a huge statue with a gator-face.  Can you guess which island that was?  If you said Jacob’s island, you’re correct.  The ship crashed in the jungle, still mostly intact after smashing into a titanic statue made of stone. I’m open to all theories about how that happened.

Once everyone alive got their bearings, Smokey showed up, killed everyone but Richard, then fucked with his head by taking the form of Isabella and killing her in front of Richard.  Damn.  This dude gets shit on left and right.  But Smokey ain’t all that bad.  He did free Richard from his chains after all.

Then the time came for MiB to play his “I helped you, now you help me” card.  He told Richard to kill Jacob if he ever wanted to see his wife again.  Oddly enough, he used the same words that Dogen used on Sayid a few episodes ago.  He even handed him the same effing dagger.  Weird.

Once at the four-toed foot, Richard was all set to slay Jacob.  But since Jacob is Jacob and rules, he got the drop on Richard and kicked his ass.  I think he was just pissed about his statue being broken to shit.

Here’s when we learn the story about Smokey…well, kind of.  Jacob took Richard for a dip in the ocean after Richard cried about being dead.  Funny thing about that, he’s not dead.  He’s very much alive.  He even told Jacob how much he wants to live.  So, Jacob sat him down for a little talk/explanation.  He presented Richard with a bottle of wine and said that the wine represents “hell, malevolence, evil, darkness”, the cork is “the island”, therefore the island prevents the evil from escaping.  Fucking deep huh.

Jacob also showed some classic Zeus moves in this episode.  He talked about how many other people had been brought to the island to prove that not all men are corruptible, and that on the island they get another chance.  Richard was like, “well if you don’t step in and corrupt them, MiB will first”.  See the Zeus tactics there?  Zeus was the one Olympian that always had others do his dirty work for him.  Jacob offered Richard a job being his representative.  Richard asked for either his wife back or to have his sins absolved if he said yes.  Jacob couldn’t.  So Richard said “then I want to live forever.”  And there ya have it.

Hurley played a cool role last week too.  Since he can see dead people, Hurley chased down Richard to give him a message from Isabella.  She told Richard (through Hurley) to stop MiB from leaving the island or the shit’s gonna hit the fan.  He probably should have talked to Hurley before he started screaming “does your offer still stand” in the hopes that Not Locke would hear him.  Shit happens, I guess.

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