Sitting by yourself in a movie theater watching LOST is fucking awesome, even if it is last week’s Pop-Up Video re-play. I got a good 20 minutes of tranquility before people started to trickle into Salem Cinema, and boy did I enjoy those 20 minutes. *wink wink*
With some good friends by my side, my eyes prepared themselves for what I had hoped to be a mind blowing episode. But thanks to some ass-face with a watermelon head, the experience wasn’t all that great for me. No amount of head crushing helped my situation, so I was only able to soak up portions of this Sayid centric installment.
Island goings on: Well teens, it looks like our resident torturer is indeed EE-VILLE (Like the FREW-ITS of the DEH-VILLE). Here’s what went down. After dooking it out with Dogen and getting banished, Sayid the Evil Seed got himself banished from the cool table. One small problem, Not Locke was oozing around the ashen perimeter of the Temple with Crazy Claire. Because he’s an H-Moe and can’t cross the ash, Not Locke sent Crazy Claire inside to find a brave soul to parlay. Seeing another opportunity to end the ever eviling Sayid, Dogen un-banished him and sent him out to shoot the shit with Not Locke. Before Sayid left, Dogen gave him a sexy dagger then told him “if there is any good left in you, sheath it in the chest of Not Lock”.
To my surprise, Sayid complied. Not Locke Smoke Monstered through the trees, became “human”, said “Hello Sayid”, then got said dagger buried in his chest. Super cool, but no effect. Not Locke just pulled it out looking mighty disappointed (not to mention super pissed) with Sayid.
Angry words were shared, along with some explaining Dogen’s true intentions of sending out Sayid, as well as a little Not Locke manipulation. He offered Sayid “anything he could ever want”, in true Satan form, then sent him back to the Temple with a message. “Jacob is dead, so come with Not Locke or yer all gonna fucking die.” (I SO wish he said it like this). Sayid then embraced his inner Deadpool as he drowned Dogen in the “healing spring” and sliced the John Lennon wannabe in the throat. After that, Smokey went bizonkers on the Temple Others.
Kate finally caught up with Crazy Claire. The Temple Others stuck Claire in their Buffalo Bill Hole, so that if she flipped out she would only end up losing fingernails. With the 2 minutes the Others gave her to talk, Kate spilled the beans about her raising Aaron. Claire looked like she was gonna bite off Kate’s titties. But once Smokey started killing the shit out of people, Kate tried to get Claire out of the hole. Claire wanted no part. She told Kate that they’d be safe in the hole (insert that’s-what-she-said joke here), so Kate hung onto the ledge. Good timing too. Smokey flew over them like a freight train from hell.
Once the temple dust settled and the Others stopped twitching, Sayid, Claire, and Kate all joined up with Not Locke outside the Temple with the now converted Others.
Sideways Schmideways: To quote my buddy Gabe, “I’m fucking sick of this Sideways shit”. All that happened was Sideways Sayid’s brother is married to Nadia, and got himself in trouble with a loan shark. He asked S Sayid to “take care” of the pile of shit he dug for himself. But S Sayid is a reformed bumble. He’s trying to “make amends” for all the evil shit he’s done. However, after his brother got his ass handed to him by the loan shark’s flunkies, they came after S Sayid.
CAMEO ALERT!!! Remember that steroid warrior who shot Alex back in season 4? Well in this stupid sideways reality, he’s some kind of mob boss on steroids who seems to think he makes good eggs. The cronies dragged S Sayid into a random kitchen to talk about stuff. S Sayid should must have known something was up from the get go. Nothing but shit happens to Sayid in random kitchens. They tried to out tough-guy S Sayid into taking over his brother’s dept (from what I could tell). Big Mistake. S Sayid just called upon Allah to enhance his shooting, and killed ’em all. He then found a beaten Jin in the walk-in. I just want to say RIGHT NOW that cameos like Keene had better not continue. That dude was stupid, plus the actor who plays him totally ruined “The Blob” in the Wolverine Origins flick. Some one kill him for real, please.
Besides some ass clown yelling out “FUCKING BULL SHIT” during a T-Mobile commercial, and Captain No-Neck blocking 1/4 of the screen from my vision, last night wasn’t half bad. I thought it might be up there with “What Kate Does” as a filler-sode. But I seriously doubt there is any way for this season to duplicate that masturbatory mess.