Hatchet To The Head: “The Viking Sagas”

“A virgin’s blood heals even mortal wounds.”

Why does there always have to be that ONE guy who fucks things up for everyone?  Seriously.  You can’t even bring ancient traditions to a new land without some dick starting shit.  But for every dick, there’s a dude.  A righteous dude.  A patient dude who waits for the perfect time to strike that dick down, or for prophecy to call upon him to do the same.  That dude is Kjartan.

While perusing the “Watch Instantly” feature on Netflix, a film screamed out to me.  I didn’t even need to read the synopsis to know that The Viking Sagas was something I needed to watch, instantly.  The story is your typical “hero spends most of his life trying to avenge the death of his father, while bedding hot babes” adventure tale that we all love.  Only difference with this one is it’s about VIKINGS.

After 100 years of awesome times in Iceland, Ketil “The Black” decided the time had come to rise up against “The Law Giver” and The Ruling Council.  He fought to make himself king, killing many a man and king in the process (not to mention solidifying his place in the Douche Bag Hall of Fame).  The last speed bump in his path to kinglyhood was Valgard “The Wolf”; keeper of the mystical “Ghost Sword” (the last bit of treasure from the original Law Giver).

Ketil and Valgard fought over the sword in the only way Vikings knew how…to the death.  Since Valgard was of the age when Vikings start looking for homes in Florida, he lost.  But not without honor.  Valgard escaped with the Ghost Sword through some help from his son Kjartan.  Unfortunately, Ketil and his men tracked them down, then took the sword.

All was not lost, however.  Valgard concocted the most epic diversion to let Kjartan escape.  He performed “The Walk”.  Reaching into the mortal wound he suffered at the hands of Ketil, Valgard pulled his intestines out, nailed them to a huge stone, and walked around the stone until he died; giving Kjartan enough time to free himself and splash into the ocean below the cliffs.

Kjartan washed up on the shores of the Law Giver’s land (just as the Law Giver had seen in his dreams).  There Kjartan was nursed back to health by Gudrun (a super hot Viking babe), and was trained in the ways of battle by Gunnar (the Viking exile depicted stage right) to be ready for the time when he could avenge his father.

This movie was unexpectedly amazing for 3 reasons:

1.  Blood

2.  Boobs

3.  Brutality.

Never did I think that watching a random film would yield hacked off limbs, skulls split by axes, and hot blond Viking gals.  Especially one from 1995!

If any of my three power points are something you look for in the movies you like, then you’ll LOVE The Viking Sagas.  And if that doesn’t sell ya, than maybe this will:

That’s right.  The glass eating maniac from BEERFEST plays Kjartan!  “WAT DO YA THINK OF THAT?! HEAD-FUCK!”

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