Many things suck in this world; American Idol, diseases, finding out the girl you’ve been hitting on all night is a guy, etc. But there are certain things that suck so much that they cause catastrophic events to occur. Terrible thunderstorm…suck. Swerving off the road to miss getting hit by a bolt of lightning…super suck. Crashing into a top secret government lab…mega suck. Flying into the path of a molecular transfer ray, and transforming into a sports car…EPIC SUCK!! All of these mishaps are the preamble to a show that has been forgotten by most of the world. It’s name is Turbo Teen.
The tragedy of Brett Matthews could, and should, go down in history as one of the most inconvenient “super powers” to have ever been acquired. After Brett got caught in the path of Dr. Chase’s “molecular transfer ray”, him and his car became one! Every time this poor sod is exposed to extreme heat, he morphs into the very car he was driving at the time of his “accident”. Respectively, he becomes human when extreme cold gets his pistons in a pinch. Not only must that guy be glued to the weather channel , but a shower is totally out of the question. It makes me glad that “smell-o-vision” never replaced television.
DARK RIDER and the WOLVES of DOOM (listen closely. Dark Rider has the same voice as Dr. Claw from Inspector Gadget, if I’m not mistaken)
Since Turbo Teen only ran for a whopping 12 episodes, and hasn’t been viewed by many since it was aired back in ’84, finding all 12 is like trying to get the government to admit that aliens walk among us…it’s just not going to happen. All is not lost though. A truly awesome person on YouTube has posted a bunch of clips from the show to tease us with. I think he’s just as evil as Dark Rider, if you ask me.
After watching all of this Turbo footage, a few questions come to mind. What happens when Brett gets a flat in car form? Who does he see durring flu season: Doctor or Mechanic? I don’t even want to know what his kids are gonna look like, if he can even have kids. That thought raises another question. Would he morph into car form whilst in the throws of bumpin’ uglies? Much like the infinite brain busting queery “If a tree falls in the woods, and nobody’s there to hear it, does it make a sound?”, the answers we seek surrounding Turbo Teen will never be discovered. Feel free to leave your thoughts. Something tells me you people could come up with freaky feedback. \m/