What’s Worse? You Decide

This installment of What’s Worse? You Decide features two terrifyingly nightmarish situations. One involves death by chainsaw while the other offers a snakebite on your wang. So, with no further delay, we’re off to Michigan.

NEAR OTSEGO, Mich. (NEWSCHANNEL 3) – Deputies in Allegan County are investigating a chainsaw death.

It happened Sunday afternoon on Woodlea Drive near Otsego.

Sheriff’s officials say that Debra Daniels and her husband Jerry were cutting wood with a chainsaw Sunday.

Jerry was using the chainsaw when Debra approached him from behind to push the tree over. She was hit with the blade of the chainsaw.

Officers say that she received a severe laceration which ultimately led to her death.

A neighbor who is also a deputy with the Allegan County Sheriff’s Department responded to Jerry’s calls for help and had his wife dial 911. He performed CPR on Debra until EMS crews arrived, but she was pronounced dead at the scene (source).

This is some pretty horrific shit. I want to believe this guy’s story, but as somebody with only limited experience operating a chainsaw I find this kind of hard to believe. From my experience, if your saw is in the tree deep enough that it’s at the point where you can push the tree over, I’m not really sure how your saw can exit the tree and severely lacerate someone to the point where they are pronounced dead on the scene. Kinda fishy, but we don’t stop there. For our next story we wing on over to Taiwan.

TAIPEI, May 12 — A Taiwanese man became a sitting target for a snake, which bit his penis as sat on the toilet at his rural home, local media reported yesterday.

“As soon as he sat down, he suddenly felt a knife-like pain and reacted instinctively by standing up,” the China Times said. “When he looked down, he saw the big snake.”

The 51-year-old man, from Nantou County, was under medical care with minor injuries, a director at Puli Christian Hospital said.

“Once he has passed the risk of infection, he can go,” the director, who declined to be named, said.

“A snake’s mouth isn’t always clean.”

Local television images showed the black and yellow reptile, reportedly a species of rat snake, being uncoiled and plucked slowly from the toilet bowl.

Snakes regularly enter rural homes in Taiwan and other sub-tropical regions of Asia (source).

So you don’t die in this situation, but when I read this story I experienced a feeling that I’ve never experienced when reading anything before. The location of injury, combined with the level of vulnerability you have while on the toilet, is so fucking evil that the fact that it’s a snake biting your dick is just the icing on this shit-pile cake.I mean, if anything made contact with my business when I sat down on the toilet I’d be jumping through the roof. This WILL haunt me. Buh.

On a side note, don’t think I missed the opportunity to make an ironic joke about an Asian man looking at his junk and being able to say that what he saw was “the big snake.” Because I didn’t.


One Response to What’s Worse? You Decide

  1. The Mayor of Beermouth says:

    “A snakes mouth isn’t always clean.”

    Truer words were never spoken.

    Two questions:

    1.) Is a snake that eats dicks gay?

    2.) If a snake starts eating its own tail and continues until it has completely devoured itself, does that create a hole in the fabric of the space-time continuum?

    Talk amongst yourselves…

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