A day that was full of nothing but rage, frustration, and borderline psychosis, ended with rage, frustration, and borderline psychosis. It seemed as if every God of every pantheon held a rap session to find out how long it would take for Defender to f’n SNAP. They came extremely close to getting their wish.
Lack of sleep is something I don’t handle well. Either I become so loopy that my mouth just spouts gibberish, or the slightest bit of negativity assures me a one way ticket to ANGRY Town. Car problems, stacked with butt-hole Massachusetts drivers, combined with shelling out almost an entire pay-check fueled the powder keg that is me. In a sad attempt to calm my boiling blood, a few friends took me to see the final version of X-Men Origins: Wolverine. Yet another cruel trick played upon me by the Gods.
I had watched the leaked copy of the film, so going to see it again with better computer magic wasn’t too smart. NOTHING WAS DIFFERENT!!!!! Sabretooth…wrong. The Blob…Wrong. Deadpool….WRONG, WRONG, WRONG WRONG WRONG!!!! Did the people at MARVEL not learn anything from the genius that was IRON MAN, or the beauty of Dark Knight, or their latest take on The Incredible HULK (also a great one)? Those three films were utterly flawless! Each director understood how to make a film that captured the spirit of the comics, yet did it in a way so that they were understandable to those unfamiliar. Gavin “Captain Fuck-Head” Hood basically gave us the proverbial pinkie in the ass, twirled a Q-Tip down our shafts, and said “hope ya like my movie, ya fuckin’ NERD!”.
Let’s deal with each problem, one at a time. First came Sabretooth. Terrible casting, he was leap-frogging around like a tadpole with Belle’s Palsy, and the all black brooding-emo look would have suited a Crow sequel better. He looked nothing like his beautifully designed comic book counterpart, even with the two fangs. Maybe if he’d coughed up a hairball I would’ve found him a bit more interesting. Alas, there was none.
Up next on the chopping block comes The Blob. Now, my knowledge of the X-Men is no where near as vast as some of you out there. But I fail to recall The Blob getting super mega ultra fat as the result of an eating disorder. I don’t even remember him being that much of a lunkhead either. Sure he was a few crullers short of a dozen, but that doesn’t matter! He’s The f’n BLOB! NOTHING MOVES THE BLOB!!! All he did was punch a stupid tank, let Wolverine land a punch or two, then blabbed a key plot point after taking the tail end of a Logan brain-buster. Lame.
Numero C pertains to every miscellaneous mutant that congested the screen like my toilet on taco night. Of the quadrillions that I spotted, only Beak, Emma Frost, Cyclops, and Quicksilver (as far as I could tell) are worth a telling. Dominic “Charlie Hobbit” Monaghan played a beakless, non-bird, of a Beak. I had to look in the Marvel Encyclopedia to learn some on this guy. Take my word, nothing AT ALL like he was suppose to be. Cyclops didn’t even need to be there, nor did the others. The director just got housed one night while at a party with writers Skip Woods and David Benioff, rocked an “I love you guys” drunk, and the three of them just took turns spitting out Marvel names. RBM tip of the day: Booze + Comic Books = Crap Movies. Be careful all you little fresh of-age-ers.
Lastly we come to Deadpool. I don’t even know if I have the strength to maintain this fury. Besides Reynolds’ early scene as pre-disfigured Deadpool (spot on in my opinion), I was at a total loss. They turned him into fucking BARAKA from Mortal Kombat 2, for fuck’s sake!!! A Baraka that could teleport, shoot lasers from his eyeballs, and heal faster than a dab of neosporin on a light scratch (and that’s fast). WHERE WERE THE GUNS?!!! Where was his deeply disturbing passion for murder?!!! And WHY, dear God WHY, did they feel it proper to take his mouth away?!!! If that was some directorial artistic vision, then somebody’s going to get a metric ton of lightning rammed up their backside. Not funny. No. Not one bit. The writers for this film must suffer from a form of mental retardation (I can spot these things). There is not one sane comic book fan that would dare to turn Deadpool into that..that…THING! I need to punch something.
As for Gambit, I don’t have very much to complain about. It is difficult for me to see anybody portray that Cajun the right way, thanks to the ’90’s X-Men: Animated Series. Everything about that version just oozed Creole cool. From his swave attitude with the ladies, to the bottoms of his bitchin’ trench-coat and back up to his silver tongue, ’90’s Fox Gambit was a force to be reckoned with. Taylor Kitsch did what he could, but if he had just given a bit more to the roll he would’ve been simply breathtaking.
Now that an entire day’s worth of festering fury has been tamed (thank you Hulk VS Wolverine), my entire body is spent. After munching on some Combos, with some Dr. Pepper to quickly follow, I shall retire to my large bed where I will crash in epic slumber. May the morow bring good music, great beer, and gorgeous girls! \m/