Prick Of The Month: May 2009

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Due to total dedication to the craft of alcohol consumption, April zipped by without having  a nominee for Prick of the Month.  This is a superior party foul on my part.  As a way of making things right, this month is getting a pair of pricks right in the face.

Over in the Land of The Learning Channel, there exists two mega pricks that deserve some extreme Vogon Poetry.  If you are not familiar with the poetry of that nasty race, here is what The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy has to say about both Vogons and their poetry:

“Vogons are one of the most unpleasant races in the galaxy. Not evil, but bad-tempered, bureaucratic, officious and callous. They wouldn’t even lift a finger to save their own grandmothers from the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal without orders signed in triplicate, sent in, sent back, queried, lost, found, subjected to public inquiry, lost again, and finally buried in soft peat for three months and recycled as firelighters. On no account should you allow a Vogon to read poetry to you.”

“Vogon Poetry is widely accepted as the third worst in the Universe. The second worst is that of the Azgoths of Kria. During a recitation by their poet master, Grunthos the Flatulent of his poem, Ode to a Small Lump of Green Putty I Found in my Armpit One Midsummer Morning, four of his audience died of internal hemorrhaging, but the President of the Mid-Galactic Arts Nobbling Council survived by gnawing one of his own legs off. The absolute worst poetry was written by Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings in Sussex. Luckily, it was destroyed when the Earth was.”

wntw5012_m-brian-doben-tlc1Stacey London and Clinton Kelly make me sick, as well as their show What NOT to Wear.  Their entire career is solely based upon pointing out people with unique tastes in fashion, pulling them off the street, and making them conform to their delusional perception of how people should dress.  Apparently they’ve never heard of that old saying “Freedom of Expression”.

By the Gods.  I would love to hunt those yuppie scumbags down, fasten them to an expertly constructed concrete basement wall, put a bolt gun to each of their $70 hair cuts, delicately remove their pampered flesh, then use their tanned hides to make some sweet leather armor that will be used to spear-head my epic assault against those who go with fashion’s flow.

Who in the nine Hells do they think they ARE?!!!  I say there should be a show that invades What NOT to Wear, and the whole premise will be to thwart Stacy and Clinton’s every attempt at fashion molestation.  It’ll be amazing!  There will be sword fights, verbal abuse, summoning hordes of the undead, a little blunt force castration, and a few opportunities to win prizes.  I’ll play the lovable, yet intimidating, host whom the ladies can’t resist.  We’ll call it “Smiting Style“.  Spike will air it between MANSWERS and Deadliest Warrior.

To Stacy and Clinton!  May your scalps be hung with pride in the home of the Cherokee who peeled them from the make-up caked bubbles your necks call heads!  \m/

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One Response to Prick Of The Month: May 2009

  1. Oh Mars says:

    I’d throw it in her.

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