Thanks to my super-human body, I’m wide awake every Saturday at about 9:00 am. This, amazingly, occurs every weekend despite whatever abuse I inflict on my constitution the night before. While the rest of my friends, who God gave normal bodies to, are sleeping off their lifestyles, I usually catch up on TV shows, reading, or movies. Today I watched the last Friday Night Lights and was looking forward to bombing through season 2 of The Shield but the Sun was just too enticing; creeping through the blinds and taunting me. So I decided to put pants on and head to the local theater for a matinee of Monsters vs. Aliens.
The movie was pretty good. Like most contemporary animated movies, the biggest laughs came from the cleverly disguised bits of adult humor referencing oral sex and tits. What I really want to write about is how much of a fucking pedophile I came off as. I dunno how I didn’t see it coming. 12:00 show. A PG movie. 70 kids in between the ages of two and 13. Their parents. And ME…me with my beard, Clark Rockefeller glasses, and penchant for incessant staring. There was even a birthday party in the house; Will was turning six! All I needed was a burlap sack slung over my shoulder and I’d be in a cell right now. I kept to myself for 94 minutes (except when I helped a beautiful young woman retrieve the pacifier that she dropped on the floor – call me!) and am looking forward to the next toddler fashion show at Salem Cinema.