Defender’s Snack-Food Rock-Talk


If one intends to partake in some serious hard rockin’ with Defender, one must understand that certain rules apply.  Cranking loud metal music to 11 is only a small portion of what is expected of those who wish to live in pure hedonism.  Out of the numerous minor requirements, fellow adventurers must have a learned way in the art of snacking.  Sounds like a simple task, don’t it?  Well yer WRONG MISTER!  You have to be willing to push your body to the breaking point.

In my twenty eight years on this rock, I have been studying under some of the true Snack Masters.  Men who make you turn your head and think “how in the hell is that guy eating THAT?!”.  True warriors who are so dedicated to their love of the lunch, that they have branded themselves for eternity with their preferred pig-out palace.

Now, I know what you’re all thinking.  “What in the 9 Hells does this have to do with entertainment?”.  Buckle-up beef cake.  My quest to forever improve my already impressive mastery of munch does not only exist in the physical world.  i2dw5nf19jy2mawf3l60wncio1_500While enjoying a night of Sam Adam’s Winter Lager, bulging bags of Nacho Cheese Doritos, and Futurama, one of my good pals began describing a website that glorified gluttony on a gargantuan scale.

This is why youre displays some of the most deliciously disgusting dishes I have ever seen in my entire life.  Food items ranging from the mediocre “Deep Fried Twinkies”, to the “Bacon Cheese Pizza Burger” (a true piece of appetizing artwork) are created, described, and photographed by fellow junk food aficionados.

I have attempted my own feat of frightening feasting.  It has been dubbed “The Angry Clucker”, but a slot on the website is yet to be obtained.  Basically, you go to Burger King, purchase one of their Double Angry Whoppers (a sandwich so good it should be illegal) and a spicy chicken thang, then ask for a few packs of “Zesty” sauce.  Carefully separate the two beef patties so the top half doesn’t cause an “Angry” mess, insert said chicken thang, and finish off with a hefty helping of “Zesty” sauce.  Using all caution, replace top half of the Angry Double, stretch your face portal as wide as it can go and follow up with a change of pants.  Take my word as a trained professional, the “Angry Clucker” is fantastic.

i2dw5nf19jseo991chasha1no1_r1_500Scanning through the numerous amounts of oddities for the obese, I have noticed some individuals who have “borrowed” already known crazy food items.  To make matters worse, they don’t even leave a proper description of the novelty they TOOK!  Case in point: the “Twinkie Wiener Sandwich”.  Any fan of cult movies will tell you that this has already been done by the great “Weird” Al Yankovic.  He invented this strange creation at the beginning of his film UHF by slicing a Twinkie down the middle, cradling a hot dog within, adding some never fail Cheese-Whiz, and dunking the meal time marvel in a cup of milk before taking a bite.  Call me a purist, an asshole, or just plain crazy, but I firmly believe that forgetting the aforementioned milk dunk is a fatal error on (submitted by Roxanne Smith)‘s part.  The milk is a key step to attain complete euphoria.  Without it, it’s like a peanut butter sandwich sans bananas.  Or going to Jerusalem and forgetting to visit the Sexateria.  It just doesn’t work.

For those fellow snackers who are looking for a way to amp up your friday nights (or just want to be a fat bastard), see what This is why you’re has to offer.  You’re bound to find at least one thing that leaves you salivating thinking “Sweet Zombie Jesus! I NEED to TRY that!”.


One Response to Defender’s Snack-Food Rock-Talk

  1. Sean G says:

    d00d your totally talking to me right now

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