Who Watches The “WATCHMEN”? Defender, F*ckers!


A day that started off with the consumption of an “Angry Clucker“, ended with Defender experiencing the closest thing to pure beauty since The Dark Knight.  At the stroke of midnight it became March 6th.  The long awaited (not to mention highly anticipated) film adaptation of Alan Moore’s graphic novel WATCHMEN hit theaters everywhere, and I held on tight for what I knew would be one wild ass ride.

With pockets full of assorted candied goodies, and a 20 oz. Dr. Pepper at the ready, I joined my fellow midnight movie marauders for a viewing of the WATCHMEN.  As to be expected, there were a couple trailers tailor made to give the uber nerds something to swoon over.  The latest Star Trek trailer ended with a peppering of applause from the all too eager Trekies in the audience, only for them to be ridiculed on the spot (that was a great way to start a movie, let me tell you).  Terminator: Salvation, The Haunting in Connecticut, the new Depp picture Public Enemies, Pixar’s Up, and the new Seth Rogen film Observe and Report finished off the preview portion of the evening.

4watchmen460My expectations, as well as those of many others, were set severely high for this movie.  The WATCHMEN graphic novel kicked me in the ass so hard, that I actually felt part of my colon tickle my uvula as it shot from my cozy innards.  This was the book that rebooted my love of comics, and baked my noodle simultaneously.  Even with the cornucopia of viral videos, leaked footage, merchandise, and excessive amount of trailers, Zack Snyder delivered the goods.  I felt myself close to weeping on more than one occasion due to the sheer pulchritude, elegance, and exquisiteness of the film.

Considering how intricate the core story of WATCHMEN is, Snyder did a spectacular job of adapting the novel to the silver screen, even though some things were lost in translation.  I can fully understand why certain things were left out of the film.  You can’t please everybody while you’re trying to please everybody, it just can’t be done. However, what gripes I DO have about the movie are valid if you’ve read the book.

The character of Adrian Veidt/Ozymandias was cast all wrong, as far as I’m concerned.  Matthew Goode may be a decent actor, but his portrayal of Veidt was piss poor, his accent was bothersome, not to mention he’s a tad too scrawny for the roll of Ozymandias. malin_akerman_as_silk_spectre_watchmen_movie_image My other complaint pertains to the ending, but seeing as how revealing anything about that part of the film would be a monumentally dick move on my part, you will get nothing more out of me than  a mighty “I knew it!”.

Now, let’s get to the good stuff.  Night Owl and Silk Spectre II’s “love scene” was so good you could hear pants splitting throughout the theater from excessive pressure.  That bitch is so hot she turns men into puddles where they stand.  The superabundance of man-ass and blue dongs was enough to make me appreciate Malin Akerman’s lithe form all the more.  Shit I love that woman.

Jackie Earle Haley as Rorschach couldn’t have been any better.  He took what is so amazing about the character, fine tuned it, then simply breathed life into it.  Haley WAS Rorschach, so sit on it and rotate if ya don’t agree.  Eat Doc Manhattan’s junk while your at it if you think that voice was a Christian Bale rip off.  Those who think that to be true have obviously never read the book.  In a way, Bale was doing Rorschach.  Point for Defender!

With a few jests reguarding possible silliness after the credits, we left the theater with warm hearts, chocolate covered fingertips, and bladders on the brink of rupturing.  It now being yesterday’s tomorrow, another expedition is in order.  No matter how many times  I hope to watch the WATCHMEN, it will never be enough until the DVD is unleashed.  On that day, my skull meat will have what it needs to continue it’s slow, highly crafted, decay into oblivion.  \m/


2 Responses to Who Watches The “WATCHMEN”? Defender, F*ckers!

  1. HaleyFan4Life says:

    “, , , I’m not in here with you, you’re in here with ME!!!!”

  2. Gena says:

    It’s hilarious how wildly varying the reviews have been. The review I read just before this one said it was awful, that the music was awful, the acting (other than J.E. Haley) was awful, everything was awful.

    I loved it, personally. I agree that Matthew Goode’s performance could have been better, though I think that the issue with his accent may have been deliberate. I’m pretty sure that Veidt would have gone out of his way to hide his accent when he was around business colleagues, as opposed to people who he had at least at some point had perceived as friends.

    Nice review.

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