Defender’s Day At The Movies: 2/13/09

Rays of sunlight bounced off the tightly joined links of chain surrounding the warrior’s chest.  His muscles tensed as he fiercely tightened his boot straps, and attached the stud covered bracers around his wrists.  With a final clamp, the warrior’s blood spattered breast plate was fastened into place, like it had so many times before.  Axe in hand, shield at the ready, and horned helmet rock solid on head, the warrior exhaled with trepidation.  For today was a day for battle.  Today was a day for true courage.  Today was the day Defender went to see the remake of Friday the 13th.

To be quite frank, I could’ve had more enjoyment staying at home, hand down pants, with thoughts of Heather Graham on all fours.  Even with the 6.2 breasts this film had, it was the biggest let down since my last pair of Christmas pjs.  Granted, I walked into this picture with the lowest of expectations.  But for a movie to deliver even lower than a limbo stick at carnival time is just plain sad (and that’s as low as limbo sticks can get!).

With only a handful of tolerable death scenes that I felt myself nodding in approval, this movie blew.  The fact that there were slight homages to other horror flix (ones that only serious horror fans would recognize) was pathetic.  Even the quick cameo by “Grandpa no-legs” from the Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake was lame.  Keep your slimy, Hollywood soaked hands away from my horror icons Michael Bay!! You fuck!!

Out of all the possible killing utensils at Jason’s disposal, there was one major one that had me salivating in my seat.  Early in the movie, some country bumpkin was tossing tree branches into a wood chipper.  I thought “sweet! Forshadowing!”.  Nope.  Not at all.  Not even close.  This movie gave me the worst case of gore blue-balls I’ve ever had.  I seriously needed to see some jock douche get chunk-shot from the tail end of a contraption like that.  Now I’m fucking depressed.

If you feel that your soul needs to be sucked out of your body a little, watch the trailer.

I’d love to sit and vent to no end about the plethora of flaws contained in this film, but I have massive ammounts of malt liquor to consume, and it can’t wait any longer.  So to Michael Bay I leave with this…”EAT A BOWL OF FUCK!!!”

(Notes from Oh Mars: I received several text massages today at the office. They were all from Defender and they were all regarding his wonderful time seeing F13. I thought I would share them with you all):

“Last House on the fucking Left trailer!!! KILL!!!”

“At least there was a new Transformers and Watchmen (trailer)”

“Fucking kill me dude”

“Michael Bay is Mega Gay”

“BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!”

“Done”