Titanboa Lives

It’s being reported in a number of places, including here, that scientists have discovered a vertebra that belongs to an allegedly extinct snake known as Titanboa (awesomest name ever). I say allegedly because these scientists seems to have an awful lot of information about this thing, including that it lived 60 million years ago, was up to 42 feet long, weighted more than a ton and would chow down on bovine-sized smally-snacks. At it’s thickest it would have come up the waist of an adult human… who it would then eat because that idiot was standing right next to it.

I reported a ways back about some terrifying beasts that scientists were trying to bring back to life and I’m sorry to have left Titanboa off the list. It has become clear to me that scientists have indeed brought Titanboa back to life, in fact, it was necessary because they needed something that could eat all the other terrifying beasts they foolishly created and be The One terrifying beast to rule them all. This, of course, would go down in what I can only imagine would be my ferocious beast cage match wet dream. Then it would go a on a plane and eat Samuel L. Jackson. I didn’t see that movie, but I assume something ate him like in that shark movie with LL Cool J.

This story somehow managed to incorporate two of my other favorite stories and the greatest movie I never saw. Damn it feels good to be a gangster.


3 Responses to Titanboa Lives

  1. Titan Boa says:

    yo OhMars, I’m thick as a man and 42 feet long…can you post your cell number again please?

  2. Eric McTwapiece says:

    i saw one of those last week. my cat demis ate off its face. dont mess with them unless you have a hungry pet.

  3. […] The loser gets fed to Titanboa. […]

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