Well, This Came Out of Left Field; XENACON

February 5, 2009


The first annual Xena Warrior Princess Convention was held over the weekend at the Los Angeles Airport Marriott Hotel and while I have retained nothing about that show from when it was on, I would have chewed my own leg off to have attended this thing. I’m sure the percentage of attractive/interesting fans was drastically overshadowed by the number of absolute fucking psychopaths, but it still sounded like a good time:

On how he came up with the Xena opening-credit song, composer Jo Lo Duca says: “We thought about the warrior princess and where she might have evolved from. We used that whole strong Bulgarian women’s singing style. You know there’s that bagpipe in the beginning? That’s actually sheep stomach. The point is, that sound really turns the women on. Wait,” he says, as someone hands him a note. “A customized Xena hubcap was stolen from a Xena car in the parking lot. I don’t believe it was anyone from the convention who did that. We don’t travel like that.” (WTF is a “Xena Car?” – editor)

Then they air a music video directed by fans in which Xena and her naive sidekick, Gabrielle, snuggle by a campfire, wash each other’s backs in a hot bath, and consummate their secret love. It receives a standing ovation, an Amazonian whooping fit to bring the house down. (Source)

They may not be holding up convenient stores with chakram props, but these elderly lezzies know how to have a good time. I guess…



Pour One Out For: Lux Interior

February 5, 2009

“If you can’t dig me, you can’t dig nothin.'”

Lux Interior, the godfather of psychobilly, is dead. From the Guardian:

Some 30 years ago, with the King still warm in his casket, Lux rose like a zombie from the primordial swamp as a twisted, grotesquely libidinous, werewolf Elvis from Hell, and the mask – if it was a mask – never came off. The Cramps went one step further than punk rock: they didn’t merely go back to basics, they stripped rock’n’roll naked and flaunted it in its lethal distilled form: as a relentless sex beast, a psychotic release, a nihilist post-apocalyptic celebration, the ultimate in trash culture.

The last Cramps gig review I read described Lux masturbating on stage and climaxing on the mike to Love Me as the set concluded. A typical show (Boston, 1986) found him clad in leopard-skin briefs drinking wine from an audience member’s shoe and French-kissing a random person in the crowd for a full 10 minutes with the microphone in their mouths.

Lux, whose real name was Erick Lee Purkhiser, died of a pre-existing heart condition at a hospital in California. He was 62 years old.

Well when I die don’t you bury me at all, Just nail my bones up on the wall, Beneath these bones let these words be seen, “This is the bloody gears of a boppin’ machine.” – The Cramps, Rockin’ Bones

Stephen King Talks Shit

February 5, 2009


Me and Stephen King have so much in common. We both wear glasses (not shown). We both live on the East Coast. And we both hate Twilight. The only difference is that King actually read the book(s). I’m just an ignorant snob. While promoting his new book, King was interviewed by USA Weekend. During the interview, King was asked his opinion on the mega-success of J.K. Rowling and Stephenie Meyer. King got mad real:

“The real difference is that Jo Rowling is a terrific writer and Stephanie Meyer can’t write worth a darn,” he said. “She’s not very good.”

But OH NO, the Horror-Don didn’t stop there! WHO’S NEXT!!!

King declared Perry Mason author Erle Stanley Gardner “terrible,” Dean Koontz “sometimes…just awful,” and James Patterson “a terrible writer” who is nonetheless “very very successful.” (Source)

King then went on destroy Papa Doc…without the beat! Till the next episode.

Crazy Crap 2/5/09

February 5, 2009

One thing that you all should notice about this video, the dude that’s interviewing Corpsegrinder only asked him what things he does while on tour.  Corpsegrinder then goes on an epic tirade about W.O.W.

This solidifies my decision to never play that damn game.  Look how fucking nuts it makes people!!!  Would you want to piss off a big son of a bitch like George “Corpsegrinder” Fischer?  I think not.  But that’s what happens to people who play that mind fuck of a video game.  It turns them into psychopaths who are ready to shoot themselves if their character’s die, or their online girlfriends dump them.  Frankly, if you’re lame enough to have a computer lady friend (who is most definitely a dude, just so you know), you need to get a life….immediately.

Song of the Day: Funkadelic “Super Stupid & Maggot Brain”

February 5, 2009

Hard rock funk-jam gravy slathered all up in your face.

Funkadelic is the shit, so here’s a little something else to blow your brains across the galaxy. If you were going to take acid this morning don’t listen to this song until you can taste your tongue… no need to thank me when this song helps you achieve englightenment.

Thursday Throwbacks: 2/5/09

February 5, 2009


It’s cold today.  Super cold.  Like, call out of work and stay home and watch 80’s cartoons all day cold.  I bring to you a forgotten hit that, much like Starcom, the toys out-shined the show.  Telling you the premmise of this righteous animation of awesomeness it pointless.  If you pay attention to the intro, you’ll get the complete rundown.  So hold onto your sphincters, squeeze the hell out of your My Pet Monster, and get ready to be rocked by Jace and the Wheeled Warriors: Read the rest of this entry »

Titanboa Lives

February 5, 2009

It’s being reported in a number of places, including here, that scientists have discovered a vertebra that belongs to an allegedly extinct snake known as Titanboa (awesomest name ever). I say allegedly because these scientists seems to have an awful lot of information about this thing, including that it lived 60 million years ago, was up to 42 feet long, weighted more than a ton and would chow down on bovine-sized smally-snacks. At it’s thickest it would have come up the waist of an adult human… who it would then eat because that idiot was standing right next to it.

I reported a ways back about some terrifying beasts that scientists were trying to bring back to life and I’m sorry to have left Titanboa off the list. It has become clear to me that scientists have indeed brought Titanboa back to life, in fact, it was necessary because they needed something that could eat all the other terrifying beasts they foolishly created and be The One terrifying beast to rule them all. This, of course, would go down in what I can only imagine would be my ferocious beast cage match wet dream. Then it would go a on a plane and eat Samuel L. Jackson. I didn’t see that movie, but I assume something ate him like in that shark movie with LL Cool J.

This story somehow managed to incorporate two of my other favorite stories and the greatest movie I never saw. Damn it feels good to be a gangster.