211 – Roman Emperor Septimius Severus dies, leaving the Roman Empire in the hands of his two quarrelsome sons, Caracalla and Geta. Rumors are flying at www.funnyordie.com that this is going to be the plot of the next Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly movie. Before jointly alerting the people of Rome of their father’s death, Will secretly pees in John’s shoes and embarasses him in front of the populace calling him “Co-Emperor Pee Feet.”
1703 – In Edo (now Tokyo), 46 of the Forty-Seven Ronin commit seppuku (ritual suicide) as recompense for avenging their master’s death. Hollywood is also working on a script for this story with Larry David slated to play the 47th Ronin who didn’t commit suicide. The family members of those who died all approach Larry about his dishonorable behavior, but Larry somehow manages to rationalize his actions, at least to himself. One family member then spits on him.
1859 – The Codex Sinaiticus is discovered in Egypt. This 4th century handwritten copy of the Greek Bible contains the somewhat controversial, but altogether hilarious account of Jesus’ 21st birthday. Highlights include Peter puking out of the window of Matthew’s Datsun, Simon Peter threatening Jesus to stop time so they can squeeze in a few more brews before last call and John forgetting to close out his bar tab and getting chased down by an angry bouncer.
1861 – American Civil War: In Montgomery, Alabama, Delegates from six break-away U.S. states meet and form The Confederate States of America. NO, they didn’t have sex with their sisters. I can’t believe you guys would even ask me that…
1943 – World War II: Battle of Stalingrad ends. Actual Knowledge Alert: In this seven month battle more than 1.5 million people died making it the bloodiest battle in human history…. All because Nazi Germany was obsessed with spreading bestiality porn throughout Europe.
2004 – Facebook, a mainstream online social network is founded by Mark Zuckerberg. Oh really, “mainstream,” hmm then why don’t I have it? Oh, that’s right because I’m afraid of technology. My posts are actually all shouted at a Korean immigrant who may or may not have been my mailorder bride. Please send for help, I cannot leave here. Man treat me badly.