904 – Sergius III comes out of retirement to take over the papacy from the deposed antipope Christopher. Technically he hadn’t retired, he had tried becoming a Rabbi, but he struck out his first 12 times at bat and decided to return to the Bulls wearing number 45.
1863 – Bear River Massacre. 37 innocent rivers are slaughtered by bears.
1886 – Karl Benz patents the first successful gasoline-driven automobile. 123 years later and we’re still relying on something invented by a guy named “Karl?” C’mon. Benjamin, Thomas and Leonardo are respectable inventor names. There’s a reason you never hear the sentence “and this year the Nobel Prize in Science goes to Bodean McGee.” Let’s invent a new alternative fuel for cars, not for any environmental reason, but to put the Karls of the world back in their righful place. (Sorry Karls).
1916 – World War I: Paris is first bombed by German zeppelins. 63 years later in 1969 Parisians’ ears would be bombed by English Zepplins made of Led. Reports confirm that Parisians were both Dazed and Confused.
1940 – Three trains on the Sakurajima Line, in Osaka, Japan, crash and explode while approaching Ajikawaguchi station. 181 people are killed. THREE trains, what the fuck? Do train tracks in Japan four way intersections or something?
1996 – La Fenice, Venice’s opera house, is destroyed by fire. Due to the high pitched singing of an obese woman no one had realized the fire alarm was going off (slide trombone).