393 – Roman Emperor Theodosius I proclaims his nine year old son Honorius co-emperor. Romans almost as pissed as Oh Mars is about Will Smith casting his son to play Daniel in remake of The Karate Kid.
971 – In China, the war elephant corps of the Southern Han are soundly defeated at Shao by crossbow fire from Song Dynasty troops. If this isn’t the wet dream of J. R. R. Tolkien I don’t know what is.
1533 – Anne Boleyn, second wife of Henry VIII of England, discovers herself pregnant. As was the custom of the time Anne appeared on the Jerry Springer show to find out who her baby daddy was. Possible matches included Henry VIII, Plimsy the court jester, Addison the butcher and Hewson the blacksmith… no wonder Henry had her executed.
1897 – Elva Zona Heaster is found dead in Greenbrier County, West Virginia. The resulting murder trial of her husband is perhaps the only case in United States history where the alleged testimony of a ghost helped secure a conviction. You gotta be fucking kidding me. In all fairness, I bet the ghost had as many teeth as any other witness they could have produced.
1912 – The International Opium Convention is signed at The Hague. The first international drug control treaty, boo.
1978 – Sweden becomes the first nation in the world to ban aerosol sprays, believed to be damaging to earth’s ozone layer. Those crazy Swedes… didn’t former president George W. Bush deny the ozone layer even existed?
1985 – O.J. Simpson becomes the first Heisman Trophy winner elected to the Football Hall of Fame. Hey O.J., how’s that trophy doing now?