1892 – At the YMCA in Springfield, Massachusetts, the first official basketball game is played. Phineas “Knuckles” O’Neil selected as player of the game recording 18 points, 6 rebounds, 6 assists and 3 knockouts. Knockouts later taken off official scoring sheet and punching is subsequently banned from game.
1921 – The first Constitution of Turkey is adopted. Determined to distinguish themselves from Chickens, Turkeys vow never to lower themselves and create “Turkey fingers,” “Turkey wings” or “Turkey McNuggests.”
1942 – World War II: Nazis at the Wannsee conference in Berlin agree on the “final solution to the Jewish problem”. Conference closes with group session of furious masturbation to gay porn. Fuck you, Nazis.
1961 – John Fitzgerald Kennedy was inaugurated as the youngest man, and first ever Roman Catholic to become elected President of the United States. Television footage captures Dwight “Old Man” Eisenhower shaking a fist at Kennedy and yelling at him to “get off my lawn.”
1968 – The Houston Cougars defeat the UCLA Bruins 71-69 to win the Game of the Century. Dubbed “Game of the Century” due to the fact that it pitted actual cougars against actual bears.
2009 – Barack Hussein Obama was inaugurated as the first African American to be elected President of the United States. Actor/Comedian/Impregnator Tracy Morgan becomes face of Post-Racial America.