History Made Today in History

Aftermath of Boston Molasses Disaster.

69Otho seizes power in Rome, proclaiming himself Emperor of Rome, but only rules for three months before committing suicide. Mo’ money, mo problems.

1582Russia cedes Livonia and Estonia to Poland. In return Poland gives Russia comedic license to make fun of the people living in those areas. Russia, having no sense of humor, isn’t able to think of a single joke about Pollacks, a trend that has gone global and Poland still retains the title of People Least Made Fun Of (no, it’s cool I’m Polish).

1889The Coca-Cola Company, then known as the Pemberton Medicine Company, is originally incorporated in Atlanta, Georgia. Crunkness ensues.

1892 James Naismith publishes the rules of basketball. In an effort to encourage interracial harmony Naismith writes “Whites shall let Blacks succeed verily.” The rule is followed to a T.

1919Boston Molasses Disaster: A large molasses tank in Boston, Massachusetts, bursts and a wave of molasses rushes through the streets, killing 21 people and injuring 150 others. What? Hey, Hollywood, get the fuck on this one STAT. Bruce Willis stars and has to become a human plug in order to hold the tank from busting for an extra 10 minutes allowing Leonardo Di Caprio and Willis’ daughter, played by Taylor Swift, to escape. Eventually the pressure becomes to great and Bruce is shot over the city of Boston and lands skull-first on a cobbled street.

1967 The first Super Bowl is played in Los Angeles, California. Funniest commercial: Geico caveman is granted entrance to San Francisco’s Human Be-In despite signs warning “NO CAVEMEN,” because no one call tell the difference between a caveman and a dirty hippie. Tag line: Being a dirty hippie, so easy even a caveman can do it.

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5 Responses to History Made Today in History

  1. Oh Mars says:

    There’s a lot about the molasses disaster in my book of the year: The Given Day. It may have been the work of anarchists!

  2. KT says:

    Imagine dying by molasses…… The slowest-moving substance in existence?

  3. probot8 says:

    I was researching it a little bit because it sounded so fucking gnarly and apparently there was a wave reaching 15ft in height and moving 35 mph. Imagine Bruce Willis getting launched by that or better yet, Matthew McConaughey surfing it.

  4. Oh Mars says:

    Jason Statham would dropkick it in the brain.

  5. CNN says:

    2009- Two birds fly into a plane and force it to make an emergency landing in the Husdon River. Sveral minor injuries and no deaths. Male passengers allowed female passengers to “deplane” first.

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