US Drinking Water Roofied With Sweet Chemi’s

The people over at the New Scientist are really good at creating lists that make me want to pack it all in, leave it all behind and just go straight-up man vs. wild. Their newest list features the top 11 compounds found in US drinking water. So, if you manage to survive an attack from one of the presently extinct man-eaters they’re trying to bring back, don’t worry, the water you’re drinking is probably going to fuck you up real good. Start panicking.

From the newscientist.com:

Atenolol, a beta-blocker used to treat cardiovascular disease. Cool if you have cardiovascular disease, I guess, but according to wikipedia some of the adverse side effects include: nausea, diarrhea, abnormal vision, depression, hallucinations (adverse side effect?), insomnia, nightmares and sexual dysfunction. Super.

Atrazine, an organic herbicide banned in the European Union, but still used in the US, which has been implicated in the decline of fish stocks and in changes in animal behaviour. Has been found to lower sperm levels in men and lower the testosterone levels of male frogs to levels beneath female frogs. Without tough-guy frogs, who are we America?

Carbamazepine, a mood-stabilising drug used to treat bipolar disorder, amongst other things. Common side effects include drowsiness, headaches and migraines, motor coordination impairment and/or upset stomach.

Estrone, an oestrogen hormone secreted by the ovaries and blamed for causing gender-bending changes in fish. Yep, this is what they wrote, not sure I can make a joke to do this one justice… Transvestite Flounder… Hermaphro-squid…

Gemfibrozil, an anti-cholesterol drug. Increased incident of gallstone. May lead to growth of extra limbs… sorry, I made that up because increased incident of gallstone doesn’t seem very frightening.

Meprobamate, a tranquiliser widely used in psychiatric treatment. We’re all pretty crazy, this one might be doing us some good. Maybe up the levels on this actually.

Naproxen, a painkiller and anti-inflammatory linked to increases in asthma incidence. If these motherfuckers increase the incidence of my asthma anymore… what’s that? Oh, right. I don’t have asthma. Well, I bet some of you do and I’ve got your backs. Also, when taken in conjunction with drugs in the salicylate family (which are also probably in our damn water), which includes Aspirin, mothers in their first trimester face an increased risk of having a child with congenital birth defects.

Phenytoin, an anticonvulsant that has been used to treat epilepsy. Huh, this is probably why I don’t have epilepsy, because that thing is just running rampant. I look at this one as a preventative measure against something I may or may not have. Better safe than sorry… How does this shit get into our water?

Sulfamethoxazole, an antibiotic used against the Streptococcus bacteria, which is responsible for tonsillitis and other diseases. Side effects also include gastrointestinal upset. With all the Bacon Supreme Gordita Crunch whatever-the-fucks from Taco Bell that I have to eat, do I really need anything else giving me the shits? Thanks sulfamethoxazole, you dick.

TCEP, a reducing agent used in molecular biology. Reducing means less and America is all about MORE so this chemical is clearly a terrorist.

Trimethoprim, another antibiotic. These motherfuckers and their antibiotics. What the fuck do I have to do to get some Biotics around here?

Alright, hopefully that wasn’t too bad. I think it’s important to note that these chemicals were all found at extremely low-levels and according to the article “pose no public health threat.” It is kinda fucked-up to think about how all this crap is in our drinking water though. I mean it got there because of us, so that must say something about something about how we’re the one’s already putting all these chemicals inside of us and redepositing them back into our environment to share with everyone. Oh man, am I for hippies or against them? I keep forgetting?

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One Response to US Drinking Water Roofied With Sweet Chemi’s

  1. Gallstone MaGoo says:

    It is quite obvious Probot has never passed a gallstone…not frightening? NOT FRIGHTENING?!?! If you consider pissing a rock out yer pecker a day in the park, sir, my hat off to you.

    To the rest of you: Fear the gallstone! Fear me! Mwah-ha-ha-ha!

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