RETURN To “Sleepaway Camp?” WTF?

While strolling down the moderately priced DVD section at my local Target, I thought it would be a fantastic idea to peruse their fresh-off-the-farm movie items. My sense of all things cheezy started going bonkers, and that’s when I saw it. Staring up at me, from it’s floor level perch, was the most putrid pile of paleolithic poop to ever bombard my ocular cavities. My hands darted down to see if what I was looking at was true, and not some joke one of my prick friends was pulling on me. Sadly it was a reality, and I was holding another sequel to the cult classic Sleepaway Camp in my paws.

You know, the more I try to figure out why re-making/sequeling every movie I have ever loved is the hip thing to do, the more I want to wipe my ass of the whole damn thing. I’m seriously just about ready to throw my meaty hands into the air, raise a mighty middle finger, and turn my back on the fight for the preservation of the classics. It feels as if I’m standing in the middle of the street while a fucking juggernaut is berserking it’s way in my direction, and there’s nothing for me to do to stop it.

Even the fact that the creators of the original Sleepaway Camp are responsible for this new one doesn’t help. In fact, I think it just makes things even worse. Did you even watch that horrible trailer? Color me retarded, but I didn’t see Angela in there at all! What’s that? “Who’s Angela”? You sunuvabitch. Just watch the trailers for the original two films, then go watch them, cuz they rule the school.

Spoiler alert! Don’t watch this next trailer if you plan on seeing the first film!

You could argue that “the director has the right to screw around with the art he made”, but you’d be wrong. The last time I checked, the phrase wasn’t “if it ain’t broke, fuck with it”. They should have the common sense to know that what they made was great, and it’s time for something different.

I’m going to make a prediction, right here and now. I foresee a gushing geyser of new films on the horizon. In about say…5-7 years, all of us brooding purists (within the film community or without) will band together to create cinematic spectacles the likes of witch the world has never seen, nor will again. I can feel it in my prophetic bones. And when such time arrives (should we survive the Ragnarök of 2012) the skies will rain furious fires upon the false, and rivers of blood will drown the untrue. So says Defender….So it shall come to pass.

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