Just when I thought it couldn’t be possible for me to get any madder with this disgusting fad of horror re-makes, it happened.
The Last House On The Left is perhaps Wes Craven’s greatest work next to The Hills Have Eyes. Now, in a lame ass attempt to bank on a trend, director Dennis Lliadis has re-made this psycho-thriller masterpiece. Don’t know who Dennis Lliadis is? Worry not, because nobody does. This will only be his second shot manning the helm of a movie. So, what does that tell us? We are in for a few more inches to be squeezed out onto the steaming pile of cinematic shit, known to most as re-make refuse.
I’m speechless right now. I am unable to speak. The words are there but refuse to come out into the world, that’s how mad I am right now. But to be perfectly honest, this news doesn’t surprise me. It might have had a bigger impact on my emotions if it wasn’t for the movie Slither. Let me explain. When Slither was released, everybody thought it was a cool new movie about alien slugs that infect people, placing the host in a state of zombification while the slug’s eggs incubated in the brain. Too bad for them, people like me are here to call them on their shenanigans. Slither was a re-make of one of my all time favorite zombie themed films called Night of the Creeps. It takes balls to violate a movie that obscure, so you can see why I would have grounds to leap out of my skin in a fit of rage. Far too much of my energy was spent chewing out those who thought Slither was original, that I just don’t have the strength to get myself to that level of seething fury again. It’s too damn taxing.
With The Last House On The Left due out this year, do we really need Michael Bay to sploodge out his blasphemous Nightmare On Elm Street? I say NAY! Can’t there be just one amazing film that doesn’t get slapped in the face by the taint-wiped hand of eager film school grads? Maybe if I keep my fingers, toes, and balls crossed, nobody will think to touch any of the monumentally cheezy movies that I own. If I ever see, or hear, of a Silent Night Deadly Night re-make, I think I’ll blow a gasket.
Here is the original trailer for The Last House On The Left. See for yourself that I have every reason to be pissed off.
Granted, the broads in the re-make are stupid hot, but that’s about all it has on the original.
I think I shall venture to my entertainment quarters for a little chew and view. All this talk about old school horror’s got me all nostalgic-like. Peace sluts.