Product of the Week, Heaven


To kick off our new column, Product of the Week, I offer you not so much as a product, but an answer. Because we would all rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints.

Reserve A Spot In Heaven is here for the sole purpose of allowing you the opportunity to secure your spot in Heaven before it’s too late. Yes, at the moment there is plenty of room in Heaven for you and all of your loved ones, but what most individuals don’t realize is that although a large portion of this space remains vacant, spots are filling very quickly. So quick that if you don’t act now you may lose your chance at getting in. How does a future of endless suffering sound? Not so good, which is why we are here to help.

For $12.79, or $24.95 for the All Access Kit, you’ll get your name added to the list in advance of checking in at the Pearly Gates, like the cool people who go to the front of the line at nightclubs. And you never get to go in. But that’s okay, I would rather watch Nick at Nite than dance in your stupid club and possibly meet a girl. And make furious, no-tomorrow love. And wake up awkwardly the next morning. And have her lie to me, saying “I had fun. Yeah, Friday sounds great.” But she never calls. Never calls. Good thing I stole her wallet while she was “putting her face on.” Now I know where you live, harpie.


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