Forgotten Failures: 12/02/08 edish

Rare cheezy movies are my thing. The films in my collection are so painful to watch, that they require medical professionals on stand-by. But every now and then a film will pop up that catches even me by surprise. For this edition of Forgotten Failures, we’re going to travel way back to 1980. A time when handle-bar mustaches walked the earth, Commies were at your back door, and children could melt you with their bare hands.


Lost for decades, The Children has been one of the two films that have eluded me most of my life (the other is The Lamp or The Outing, goes by either title). For many years, the only thing about the movie that I could remember was that kids were killing people, and the only way you could tell they were evil was by the black nail polish they wore.

This film has been gnawing away at my brain for a good 20 years. Other movie nuts/professional historians, were perplexed by the data I handed them. They though I was just making this phantom film up, and suggested that I forget about it. This only made my search that much more important.

Time moved on, as it always does, and it looked as if my quest was in vain. Then it happened. I was doing research for Frankenhooker (another amazing Forgotten Failure), and a piece of video caught my curious eye.

You can not imagine the bust of electrical fire that exploded throughout my body. I FOUND IT!!! Finally! After years of ridicule, and constant nay sayers, The Children had been found! My next step was an immediate b-line to ebay. I shit you not when I say my heart stopped. They had it. I awoke the other afternoon to a rectangular package with my name on it. The circle is now complete. The Children is now mine, and will be so until the day the Valkyries come to bring my soul to Valhalla.

As if all this excitement hadn’t sent me to the grave right then and there, my naughty parts were set a flutter by the little icon that appeared on the DVD case. Lloyd Kaufman (Grand High Wizard of TROMA) was the man responsible for saving The Children from total extinction. He was able to find the one remaining copy in Iceland, and used his magical powers to transfer the film onto DVD. Kaufman even sprinkled some ground fairy bones on it to enhance the picture. Thank you Lloyd Kaufman. My mind can lay down for a long comfortable rest (at least until my quest for The Lam/The Outing gets in the way).

I guess now is as good a time as any for a synopsis:

“After their school bus drives through a yellow cloud of nuclear waste, the children of a small town are transformed into atomic zombies with a lust for blood and carnage!!!”

Not much more footage is available on The Children. What more I can give you is a little youtube episode of Pirated Video.

This Forgotten Failure holds a special place in my metallic heart. If any of you out there know of the whereabouts of The Lamp or The Outing, PLEASE HELP ME OUT! Now that I know it’s possible to reach for a star and crush it in a vice grip, I will never rest until that film is mine.

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