Heavy Metal Monday: King Diamond

Be afraid…be VERY afraid.  Actually, don’t.  Kim Bendix Petersen may look scary, but he’s just a normal musician who likes to paint his face and act weird.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.  Hell, I know plenty of people who do the very same thing, though they don’t add hilarious screams in their music.

Heavy Metal Monday: Adam Bomb

Starting a band isn’t about who you are, it’s about who you know.  If you’re lucky enough to have Guns N’ Roses guitarist Izzy Stradlin as a room mate, and happen to sing/play guitar, the odds of you getting a gig somewhere are rather high.  Today’s selection, Adam Bomb (that’s the name Stradlin told him to use), was one of those lucky dudes.

Heavy Metal Monday: Lionheart

It’s amazing the crap you find on YouTube when you’ve been drinking and want some cheezy music to listen to.  Some would go right to Grim Reaper or RAVEN with the hopes of a few chuckles.  But have you ever looked at the list of bands they suggest you check out?  Well I have.  Let me tell you, things aren’t always what they seem.  Some are so rare and stupid that you simply MUST watch.  Today’s band was found in just such a way.

Heavy Metal Monday: Korpiklaani

It’s my birthday. And also Finland’s.  Celebrate with the Finnish folk metal band Korpiklaani! Because DRINKING IS GOOD FOR YOU!

Heavy Metal Monday: Black N’ Blue

It’s a well known fact that growing up sucks balls.  Most people just suck it up and deal with it.  But there are a few people out there who have that spark inside them; that driving force that says “we’re going places, brother…..BIG places”.  It’s these people that usually make something out of their lives (yet still find themselves staying in mom and dad’s basement well into their 30′s).

What’s their secret?  Where do they find the motivation to continue following their crazy pipe dreams?  I think the boys from 80′s glam band Black N’ Blue have found the answer.

Heavy Metal Monday: THOR

Long flowing blond hair, muscles on top of muscles, and a drive to be epic every minute of the day.  No, I’m not talking about myself.  The guy in question is none other than former bodybuilding champion Jon Mikl THOR.  Why this guy isn’t as famous as ManOwaR, I couldn’t tell you.  He’s done it all:  bodybuilding, sings in a superbly cheesy metal band, acts, writes, AND directs.  This man doesn’t fuck around.

Heavy Metal Monday: VIXEN

Minnesota; a frozen tundra full of Viking descendants, gelatinous fish, mighty ice skating ducks, and colossal malls.  One must be crafted of stern stuff to thrive in such hostile environs, though the sexy ladies of VIXEN made doing so a walk in the park.  They could melt the snow off a wampa’s hairy nut-sack and still have time to belt out some rocking music (probably on tauntaun back).

Heavy Metal Monday: Powerglove

New York Comic Con was quite the experience. The vacation from academia was nice , so much so that my brain forgot it was Monday until it was already Tuesday. Being surrounded by all these people, coming together from the power of comic books, was an amazing feeling, and one that was completely foreign to me, having never gone to one before. It was overwhelming! But then, in one corner of the hall, came the familiar sounds of nerdery being transformed into metal. Powerglove.

Heavy Metal Monday: 4/19/2010

Fear Factory; a band I’ve always had a hard time getting into.  For some reason or another, I seem to be one of the select few who don’t get the urge to smash bones and crack heads when hearing this band.  I don’t get it.  They look like bad-asses, from what I’ve listened to they seem talented, plus most band members rock their own custom facial hair.  But just because I’m not a huge fan of Fear Factory, it doesn’t mean that my friends have the same feelings.  In fact, one of them happens to be in their latest video!

Heavy Metal Monday: 2/8/2010

After a few weeks of expelling horrible gelatinous blobs from my skull, plus a sweet re-charge thanks to new killer days off, Heavy Metal Monday has returned!  I’ve spent two beer and whiskey soaked nights rocking my brains out, yet my body still begs for more.  To keep the good times a rollin’, I decided to call upon the foppish fucks from HELIX to help us out.

Heavy Metal Monday: 1/18/10

Yes.  I have already used Judas Priest on a previous Heavy Metal Monday.  But due to certain circumstances on the outer side of my windows, I have decided that today is perfect for some Priest.  Besides, as the great Dan Goldberg once said:  “Judas Fucking Priest rules, dude!!!“.  Now how can ANYONE argue with that?

Heavy Meal Monday: New Year Edish

They’re balls to the wall, a guardian of the night, and the original London leather boys.  With a small but fierce front man aptly named Udo Dirkschneider, the German heavy metal band Accept is one of the goofiest bands ever to be put together.  Watch these videos, then you’ll understand.

Heavy Metal Monday: 12/27/09

X-Mas may be over, but that doesn’t mean it’s spirit has left.  There are still a few more days left to jingle some bells, deck a few halls, and share some brotherly/sisterly love with those you care most about.  The only way I know how to do that is with some rocking heavy metal; accompanied by neck wrecking head banging, of course.

Heavy Metal Monday: 12/21/09

Instead of finding a metal band that everybody (or most people) like, I’ve decided to find one that sucks beyond belief.  They call themselves WOLFSBANE, Blaze Bayley sings, and their songs are the worst ever.  Those are just three examples of their sheer horribleness.

Heavy Metal Monday: 12/7/09

Bitter winds and frozen melted snow await the world this frigid December morning.  Not only does a combination of such total shit help make an already crap day worse, it also happens to be dangerous when operating a vehicle.  Start your car early, then watch a little video vixen that is sure to fire up your internal engines while the one outside warms up. 

Heavy Metal Monday: 11/30/09

There are a few people in my life that give me the stink eye when I talk metal with them.  Part of this reason, so I have learned, is due to the fact that I seriously can’t stand Power Metal.  Ever since ManOwaR exploded over in Europe, every ass-clown with a guitar and a can of product has tried to take their idea of epic music to ridiculous proportions. 

Heavy Metal Monday: 11/16/09

How do you make heavy metal heavier?  With fucking power tools, of course!  Jesse James Dupree rigged the family chainsaw with a device that allows its wielder to alter the sounds of the saw, creating noises that are similar to music.  This will come in handy during those late night hootenannies on the farm.  A chainsaw would sound beautifully with a washboard player, a jug blower, and slack-jawed yokels tapping their bare calloused feet on the porch while chickens run wild.  I’m willing to bet he thought this up while on a moonshine binge, trying to find new and interesting ways to glorify the lifestyles of being a redneck.  Follow the jump to see white trash at it’s finest.

Heavy Metal Monday: 11/09/09

When tooling around town with your buds, the rule of thumb is to keep the windows down with a kick ass metal song blasting fucking LOUD.  Some would say that any old song will do, but they’d be wrong.  DEAD wrong.  In my 12 short years as a licensed driver, many a tune has come thundering out of my vehicle to annoy the locals.  However, there is one song in particular that stands above the rest for all time car rocking out anthems, and it is none other than Start The Fire.

Heavy Metal Monday: 11/02/09

It was some time between ’88 and ’89.  Lots of excitement was in the air, mostly due to the approaching futuristic 1990′s.  Defender “The Small” was performing his weekly ritual of cartoons, grandparent visitations, and movies that just arrived on WSBK-TV38.  One particular movie exploded on the screen of my grandparent’s floor model Zenith, melting my brain in the process.  It was one of Mel Brooks’ best works of the time, and still is if you ask me.  That movie was SPACEBALLS.

Heavy Metal Monday: 10/19/09

I don’t know what pisses me off more: Jim Gillette’s nonsensical vocals or that idiotic guitar.  Is he trying to sound like Rob Halford with a dash of King Diamond?  Does he actually think he’s a bad ass for claiming he can break glass, simply by singing?  Are all ambidextrous people that arrogant?  While I ponder over these valid questions, why don’t you all watch this video from NITRO (a hilarious glam band from L.A. in the 1980′s).