(the tagline says: “Battlezone: EARTH”…like it matters)

Wow.  This is a first.  I have never in my life come across a movie that is such a blatant ripoff.  Really?  Alien Vs. Hunter?  They couldn’t even come up with a vaguely different name?  We’re witnessing a new form of lazy which requires a whole new word.  I mean, who in the hell did they think they were fooling?  They almost got me.  Almost.  Thankfully, they have a crackerjack team of writers over at Netflix.  What they came up with for a synopsis is pure gold:

“Not to be confused with the blockbuster predator/alien franchise, this small screen interpretation follows an interplanetary hunter who tracks the galaxy’s deadliest creature to Earth, where predator and prey square off in a battle to the death.“

Phew.  So it’s NOT the franchise I thought it was?  Thanks, guys.  Those nearly identical creatures, and that highly similar title, had me thinking otherwise.  Glad we cleared that up.

“Well, gee wiz, Defender.  What’s the movie like, anyway?”.  That’s a very good question, and I’m glad you all asked me.  I have no damn idea.  I was unable to even watch the thing!  Not even 2 minutes into the thing, Netflix simply stopped playing it!  I tried multiple times to get that thing to work.  Why?  Because I’m “that guy”.  I’m the one who willfully suffers through garbage like this so you folks don’t have to.  What I did see was two hole minutes of an old dude jogging (pronounced with a Y sound because it’s funnier) in the street, listening to music, while something crashes in the background.  That’s it.  Apparently this thing is so bad that Netflix itself refuses to watch it.  I find that beyond hilarious.

I don’t know about all of you, but I certainly smell a lawsuit…..and it smells like bad choices.

For those of you who hate yourselves, and thoroughly enjoy torturing yourselves with monumentally bad movies, find a working copy of this movie and go nuts.  I have more important things to do, like watching The Being in my ManOwaR sweatpants.

The late 80′s and early 90′s were a great time to be a kid.  Computer generated effects were in their infancy, the Nintendo Entertainment System was at its peak, and many awesomely-bad sci-fi movies were being pumped out like no tomorrow.  My favorite brand of those films were the ones based around video games that tried to kill the players for real.  Just think about it.  What if Nintendo had the cojones to instal crazy military programing into Robbie The Robot?  Gyromite would’ve been a hell of a lot more difficult, I tell ya what.  I’ll do you one better.  What if Q from Star Trek: TNG was responsible for programing and designing the robot?  We’d be in for a world of shit.  EVOLVER is about that very thing.

( GENERIC SPOILER ALERT )

After spending a Thanksgiving in the DUTCH Dooley school of hard knocks, Ethan Embry mellowed out and became your average video game ace/computer hacker.  When the local arcade throws a contest, Kyle Baxter (Ethan’s character) can’t pass up the chance to destroy everyone and bring home the coveted prize….the home version of EVOLVER, a first person shoot ‘em up that takes place in virtual reality (you can’t see it, but I’m giving the scary-eyes and fingers).  Now, for those of you who don’t remember, or weren’t alive back then, we use to actually strap on target sensors and run around shooting each other with laser guns for fun.  If a robot was involved, all the better.  Robots are cool.  Where was I?  Oh, right.  So, Kyle fudges the game’s high scores via the interwebs and becomes the first person to test out the robit at home.

Basic EVOLVER rules:  shoot the robit until the robit is out of hit points, advance to the next level, repeat rule 1 until you get to level 4.  With each advancement in level, the robit “evolves” to make your life suck just a little bit more (especially once it becomes sentient).  These basic rules would be fine in normal situations.  Sadly, Q (or John de Lancie as he’s better known) uses the same programing for EVOLVER that he used for his botched military project named “S.W.O.R.D.” ( Strategic War Oriented Robotic Device ).  Smooth move, ex-lax.  Now the robit, who is voiced by William H. Macy of all people, has a taste for blood.

Burning lasers, ball-bearings, electric shocks, and few rather cool Decepticon-esque transformations are a part of EVOLVER‘s arsenal.  The one I liked best was when he took one of the player’s guns, hooked it up to a kaleidoscope, and charged it with wires like MacGyver, creating a burning laser prison.  Very crafty.

EVOLVER is a fun, nostalgic, romp for kids aged 30-37.  It has everything:  a killer robit, Q, com-pu-tors, bullies with Zack Morris hair, jock man-butt for the ladies, briefly unclothed boobies for the fellas, and a pre-Empire Records Ethan Embry.

(for more fun with killer robits, check out the movie Chopping Mall a.k.a. Killbots)

There really isn’t all that much to do when you’re working the graveyard shift.  Reading books and channel surfing tends to play a huge part in the down-time.  But ever since Netflix became available to me, via my phone and other media, I’ve been privy to the seemingly endless supply of mediocre movies they’ve acquired.  Tonight I took the Netflix wheel o’ wonders for a spin and was rewarded with indifference.  Ladies and gentlemen, here are my thoughts on House at the End of the Street.

I remember watching a trailer for this last year and thought it looked like a bad rehash of Last House on the Left.  Not much thought was put towards this movie after the trailer ended, and I thank my brain for that.  It just seemed like every other new horror/thriller that’s been pumped out over the past few years.  Turns out it resides on the slightly better side of suck-town.

Here’s the skinny with a few spoilers tossed in, mostly because I really don’t give a crap.  Super cute Jennifer Lawrence and her mom, played by still hot Elisabeth Shue, move to a new house in the middle of the woods.  Their new neighbors are your typical rich snobs with matching douche-bag kids, as only rich snobs would have, with the exception one house.  The one directly next door.  A psycho daughter went bonkers and slew her parents in a fit of total craziness.

Jennifer Lawrence, or “Elissa” as she’s called in the movie, starts to fall for the brooding surviving family member who was “away” when the murders took place….or so he says.  Everyone in the town gives this dude shit for being a shut-in, but mostly for the rumors that his freakazoid sister has been living in the woods like Wolverine since the murders.  They even go so far as thrashing his ride at the school’s battle of the bands.  Damn kids.

After a series of not so well placed cliches, combined with some very weird time-lapsed morphing shots (you have to see it to get it), we learn that oddball Ryan has been kidnapping local girls and dressing them up like his sister.  But it gets even more confusing.  Flashbacks show us that his sister died in a freak swing riding accident when they were little so he was the one who actually killed his parents.  There’s a nice little homage to Sleepaway Camp at the end of the movie.  Whether it was intended to be one or not, I will never know.  It’s not in reference to the traumatizing ending of Sleepaway Camp, but I dug it.

Though I’m very glad this wasn’t at all the type of movie I was expecting, I wish it had done more for me than it actually did.  The very sight of Elisabeth Shue had me giddy.  She’s awesome.  Too bad this movie isn’t.  Oh yeah, there are zero naked boobs.  Sorry guys.  I was bummed too.

Over all I think people should give this one a chance.  If you have some time to kill, or happen to be an over-nighter like myself, give it a view.  You won’t be happy afterwards, but you won’t be let down either.

Let’s face it, vampires have been done to death these days.  Everything from turning them into sparkly sissies, giving them an HBO series, and having them go toe-to-toe with a former president has been churned out of tinsel-town lately.  Frankly, I’m sick of it.  They’re everywhere these days and they totally suck…and not in the awesome way.  I was beginning to lose hope that there would never be a truly great vampire movie again.  DAYBREAKERS changed all that.

Writers/directors Michael and Peter Spierig brought an idea to the table so fresh it bit my face.  A plague has struck the Earthlings of 2019, causing most of the population to go vamp. Things are going sweet for the sanguine socialites until humans are put on the endangered species list.  Blood supplies are at an all time low.  So low, in fact, that the rich are yanking their crops from the human “farms”.  Ethan Hawke, hematologist supreme, has been put in charge to create a blood substitute.

One of the biggest delight for me while watching this movie (aside from seeing Sam Neill as a stellar bad-guy) was the way the writers dealt with the effect blood withdrawal had on the vampires.  In past films I’ve seen, the only way I knew they hadn’t feasted in a while was either by them saying so or doubling over in pain.  This time around was a total surprise to me.  The vampires go through a series of mutations that eventually cause them to become feral bat-people.

Even with all the CGI that was used for the mutated vampires (or “subsiders” as they’re called), I was very pleased to see that a lot of practical effects were used in this movie.  Filmmakers rely too much on CGI these days and it sickens me.  But that’s a rant for another day.

Willem Dafoe kicked ass, as always.  His role as Lionel “Elvis” Cormac enhanced how awesome he already was.  After all, how can you hate an ex-vampire who loves to tool around in muscle-cars while wielding a crossbow?  You can’t.  End of story.

DAYBREAKERS was a powerful shot of air to the lungs of the vampire genre.  It was fresh, original, and had a great story to boot.  I severely hope that in the future writers and directors will start stroking their creativity glands Spierig-style.  That kind of imagination and brilliance needs to be put to use on films more often.

Welp…I’m gonna go kill myself.

It certainly makes my nerd balls swell to know that this film finally got it’s shit together.  Let’s just hope we get to see it before that 2012 prediction comes to fruition.  Damn Mayans.  They should just buy a new damn calendar, if you ask me.  Those things are quite cheap and have cute pictures of cats doing adorable things on them.

By now the entire world has been made aware of this trailer’s existence.  But I am mostly to blame for the lack of promptness and all around good humor that you all have come to expect from RBM.  Lots of booze and not enough sleep will cause such problems. 

Worry not, all you loyal readers/basement trolls.  Semi regular posts are back and ready for your harsh words of criticism.  With that said…..FUCK, THIS LOOKS AWESOME!!!  I’m a bit worried about Bane, but I’m never completely happy with anything.

A response to a request for a donation to the Salvation Army written by Jim Cook

So, it’s that time of year, again, when we get to see a dirty, half-drunk Santa dressed up and ringing a bell outside of the local shopping centers in honor of the Salvation Army.  Before you reach into your pocket and pull out that handful of change and pocket lint, take a minute to read this post!  If you are like me, then you want to do what you can to help change the world, but at the same time, you don’t want to help make it suck more.  While the Salvation Army has helped out many many people, they have also turned their backs on many people in need… for instance:  THE ENTIRE GAY COMMUNITY!  That’s right, I said it.  The Salvation Army is anti-homosexuality!  Now, put that change back in your pocket!  I have done my homework and have located lots of other charities where your money would be much more appreciated, such as Habitat For Humanity (which has a Christian background, but discriminates against no one).

I recently read an article that talked about a young man and his partner or many years who fell on hardship.  When they went to the Salvation Army as a last resort, they were turned away unless they agreed to separate.  I have also checked into this and the Salvation Army has a very clear-cut stance on the subject, which you can read here:

http://www.salvationarmyusa.org/usn/www_usn_2.nsf/0/B6F3F4DF3150F5B585257434004C177D?Opendocument

To quote them:  ”There is no scriptural support for same-sex unions as equal to, or as an alternative to, heterosexual marriage.” and later… “In keeping with these convictions, the services of The Salvation Army are available to all who qualify, without regard to sexual orientation.  The fellowship of Salvation Army worship is open to all sincere seekers of faith in Christ, and membership in The Salvation Army church body is open to all who confess Christ as Savior and who accept and abide by The Salvation Army’s doctrine and discipline.” However, there are numerous articles and stories about people in the homosexual community who have been turned away by this organization.  Not to mention, The Salvation Army (which consider’s itself a church) also believes they have a right to NOT hire homosexual people because they are “sinners”.  It’s not that this is a Christian organization that bothers me, it’s the fact that they claim to help anyone who needs their help,  but then turn their backs when their employees and volunteers will not help people from the gay community.  The Salvation Army also lobbies against pro-gay legislation nationally and internationally.

So, before handing over that change to the dirty, half-drunk (and probably heterosexual) Santa Clause ringing the bell in front of Stop and Shop, remember that there are other, more EQUAL charities to give your money, time and donate-worthy items to.

If you want to do something about it, then print out one of these vouchers from Soulforce.org and drop it into the bucket, instead.

http://www.soulforce.org/pdf/kettlevoucher.pdf

Of course, if that’s not your thing, then here are a few places that I have researched and donated to myself that I can comfortably recommend without feeling like there will be some form of discrimination.

RONNIE JAMES DIO- STAND UP AND SHOUT CANCER FUND (www.diocancerfund.org)

What they do:  ”Formed in honor of the legendary singer who lost his life to stomach cancer, The Ronnie James Dio Stand Up and Shout Cancer Fund is a 501(c)(3) non-profit charitable fund dedicated to support cancer prevention research, raise awareness and educate the public with the focus that early detection and prevention is of vital importance when dealing with this deadly disease that robs families of it’s loved ones.”

Why you should donate:  It’s one of very few metal-related charities!  It focus’s on the idea that “knowledge is power”, early detection means a better chance to beat the cancer.  DO IT FOR DIO!

CHILD’S PLAY (www.childsplaycharity.org)

What they do:  Improve the lives of children in hospitals all over by setting up gift wish lists for the children and by making the lists public so that people can send the gifts to the child in the hospital of their choice.  Child’s Play also accepts cash donations to purchase gaming systems, peripherals and other items for its kids!

Why you should donate:  The children can enjoy age-appropriate entertainment that is often less difficult for a sick child to do.  They can interact with their family, friends and peers and it gives them a distraction from their illness, which is, of course, very important.

ROOM TO GROW (www.roomtogrow.org/)

What they do:  Room to Grow provides poverty-stricken families with one-on-one parenting support and essential items for babies, such as diapers, clothes, bottles, etc.  Clinicians monitor the baby’s development at a visit every three-month, while the parents are educated on their child’s development stages.

Why you should donate to them:  Room to Grow fosters a teaching rather than just a hand out.  Instead of saying “Here you go!” and sending the family on their way, the offer education, as well as age appropriate items and health care.  They continue to support and check in on the babies they are working with.

BIG BROTHERS/BIG SISTERS (www.BBBS.org)

What they do:  ”Big Brothers Big Sisters carefully matches at-risk youths with caring, adult role models.  Research proves that children enrolled in Big Brothers Big Sisters programs are more likely to improve in school and in their relationships with family and friends, and less likely to skip school or use illegal drugs or alcohol.”

Why you should donate to them:  Their system works and there is proof in the children they help!  They do not discriminate!  If you don’t have time to volunteer and become a Big Brother or Big Sister, you can donate food, money, clothes, etc.

HAVE A HEART (www.haveaheartcharity.org)

What they do:  Improving the quality of life of children who are dealing with, or recovering from cancer or cancer-related illness.

Why you should donate:  Let’s face it, cancer is only becoming more and more of a problem.  Have a Heart puts an emphasis on children helping to create a comfortable life for children who are in need of a little comfort.  Their Kids Helping Kids program is a great way to teach children the importance of helping others.

KATIE’S KIDS (www.katieskidz.org)

What they do:  Collect gifts to give to children who are in the hospital with life-threatening illnesses during the holidays.  This charity was started by a 9-year-old little girl named Katie.

Why you should donate:  Every child should be able to enjoy the magic of the holidays, even if they have to spend them in the hospital.  More likely, I would say ESPECIALLY if they have to spend them in the hospital.  A little joy goes a long way.

ANIMAL WELFARE INSTITUTE (www.awionline.org)

What they do:  ”Since 1951, the Animal Welfare Institute has been dedicated to reducing animal suffering caused by people.  We seek better treatment of animals everywhere – in the laboratory, on the farm, in commerce, at home, and in the wild.”

Why you should donate:  They’ve been around for a really long time, and their system works.  They go straight to legislation, they cut out the middle man and get shit done!

I want to take a moment to say, remember to think locally.  There are tons and tons of national charitable organizations, but don’t forget that there are people in need all around you.  If you live in a metro area, it may be a little more prevalent since you see it on a more constant basis.  Don’t forget to do your research and find out what you can do locally.

Here is a list of some local, Massachusetts-based charities that I have done some research on:

BEVERLY BOOTSTRAPS- (Beverlybootstraps.org)

Beverly Bootstraps is a local group that provides housing stability, access to food, educational assistance to adults and youth,  counseling and advocacy.  It is completely funded by the community.

PROJECT BREAD- (Projectbread.org)

“Project Bread is dedicated to alleviating, preventing and ultimately ended hunger in Massachusetts.”

THE STEPPINGSTONE FOUNDATION- (TSF.org)

The Steppingstone Foundation develops and implements programs in schools for inner city and high risk children to prepare them for college and higher learning and ultimately leads to success in their future.

So, remember that there are other ways to make the world a better place and to help others out than to just donate your unwanted clothing, furniture and change to The Salvation Army.  As a matter of fact, try to think outside the box, this year.  Donate to a non-discriminatory group!

Now it all makes sense.

PRESENTS!!!!!

Every year around late October, I start getting the same question from parents who visit the video game store that I work in.  ”What’s the big present, this year?”  Sometimes it’s out of curiosity, but more often than not, it’s because they want to know what to expect when they ask their kids what they want Santa to bring this year.  Honestly, it flatters me that parents trust me with picking out the “big present under the tree.”  See, I know I have outstanding taste in entertainment, and I have the mind of a 12-year-old, so they can expect me to give a clear picture of what I expect to sell very well each year.  It helps that I get to try most of these games out before they release, and the fact that I spend lots of time corralling children in my store only adds to the fact that I’m aware of what’s the popular thing at any given time.  So, because I’ve been asked by a close friend what the heck they should get for their heard of children (and I’m not kidding, there’s A LOT of kids in that household), I’ve compiled a list of recommendations.

1.  Skylanders (ages 10 and up)-  This “collect them all” style video game in the Spyro series with real world counter-parts is already on the market and making a huge splash.  The premise of the game is that the magical Skylanders have been frozen in the real world by an evil tyrant.  The “frozen” Skylanders (called Interaction Figures) are small, detailed figurines that can be placed on a wireless “portal” triggering that same character to appear in the game as you place it on the platform.  The object is to complete challenges, puzzles and obstacles to reclaim the land and release the Frozen Figurines from the captivity on Earth.  You can place 2 characters on the portal at a time because, let’s be honest, you know that if you buy this for your son, his little sister is going to be pretty upset if she can’t play, too.  If they are an only child, well, you will probably get sucked in, too.  I observed 2 grown men playing this game for a solid hour a few nights ago, and I believe their session ended with one of them saying… “Now I have to get the rest of them!”  What’s better is that this game has a diverse range of ways to play and you can even play together or against one another.

These figurine’s actually remember their upgrades!  If you put a silly anvil hat on Gill Grunt in one playing session and then switch out characters, you will still have that anvil hat on when  you switch back to Gill.  The starter pack includes the following:

• -Skylanders game (for Wii, PS3, 360 or 3DS)
• -3 interaction figures-  Spyro, Gill Grunt, and Trigger Happy
• -1 Portal of Power
• - A Skylanders Poster
• - A Sticker Sheet
• - 2 AA Batteries (that’s right!  THEY ARE INCLUDED!!!!  So when your kids opens it on Christmas morning, there will be no tears because they can’t play it until after you’ve had your coffee and ran to the nearest 24 hour Wal-Mart)
• - 3 Web Codes

This package retails for $69.99 with the option to buy single figurines for $7.99 and 3-packs for $19.99 and various other packs for a range of prices that will usually include 1 figure that comes with a real world vehicle or weapons.  I highly recommend this game.  The individual figurines make great stocking-stuffers, and you can go as little or big with this as you want.  The game is seriously fun and is being referred to as the next Pokemon or Bakugan.

2.  Fijit Friends Interactive Toy (ages 6 and up)-

Ok, so number 1, I hate this toy.  It’s the creepiest thing I’ve seen in a while and to top it off, it’s annoying as hell.  But it’s already getting tons of outstanding reviews and the commercials have been making their rounds for a while, so I expect that this will be another “Sold Out” shelf at the local toy store.  It has answers to over 150 different phrases and each of the dolls has its own personality.  I wouldn’t be surprised to wake up in the middle of the night to find this thing sitting on my chest staring at me.

Anyway, this little gem takes 5 AA batteries (which are included) and retails for $49.99.  But try to hold at for as long as you can because I have a feeling that if you keep this thing in your closet while waiting for Christmas Eve, it might sneak out of its box and kill the neighbor’s dog.

3.  Animal Planet Air Swimmers (ages 8-10 although, I would totally play with this thing)

So this is pretty self-explanatory.  It’s a helium inflated RC balloon that retails for $49.99.  It’s recommended for indoor use only, although I have a feeling that most children will feel the pull to bring it outdoors.  Best part?  It’s re-useable, so when the helium all runs out, you can buy a replacement tank.  Set up and use are super easy, and it looks like a great way for kids to torture their pets!  This is another one that I highly recommend.

4.  Hallmark’s Interactive Story Books and Story Buddies, Specifically “Jingle the Husky Puppy”- (all ages, but children who can’t read will require a parents help)

ADORABLE!

This is so cute!  Excuse me while I am a total girl about this, but I work in a plaza that has a Hallmark store, and I was on a break recently and saw this toy in action recently.  There was a little girl and 2 little boys with their Grandmother in the store and they were looking at book, the Grandmother said a phrase from the book and the dog barked and the children went wild!  They thought it was so magical that the puppy came to life.  Now I’m sure that the demand won’t be quite as big for this as, say, Fijits… because it’s not nearly as creepy.  However, it is a Hallmark creation that even has a Hallmark Channel movie Jingle All the Way that will be premiering on November 25 and NOT starring Arnold.  The DVD will be available starting on Nov. 26th.

If your kids love Jingle, there are several other Story Book Buddies that have their own stories to tell.  The set retails for $39.95 but if you purchase online before Christmas Eve, you will get $10 off.  Jingle also has an activity book that counts down the days until Christmas that you can buy separately.  AND, since Hallmark is all about digging as deep into your purse as possible, they have an ornament, too that will, no doubt, be ridiculously over priced.  (I love their ornaments, but come on!)

5.  Let’s Rock Elmo- (18 months and up)

"Helloooooo Detroit!"

OBVIOUSLY!  This is, of course one of the biggest toy releases of the year because it’s Elmo.  Interactive toys are the theme of the year, and this one is no exception!  All of the instruments are of an appropriate size for pre-school aged hands, and sturdy so that they won’t break when dropped (because they most definitely will be).  Elmo “rock’s out” to rockin’ versions of The Alphabet Song and Old McDonald Had a Farm, and constantly encourages his onlookers to join in.

So, that’s what I’ve got, folks!  I may or may not post something a little later on about other options.  I recently wrote a post about the importance of reminding children that Christmas is NOT just about toys, that I may post later here on RBM.  To all my friends with kids, especially the one’s who ask my opinion each year about this stuff, hope this helped!  Skylanders is #1 for a reason.  I’ve seen all of these toys up close, and Skylanders is DEFINITELY my favorite.

Since most dopes think this is a sequel/remake, I’m not as bothered as I should be (mostly due to the fact that I have a brain in my head and know my Carpenter movies).  Even the fact that it was created by the same shit-heads that made the atrocious Dawn of the Dead remake hasn’t deterred me.  This looks like it’s going to be fantastic as hell. 

Sure the abundance of cgi puts a frownie face on my face.  But some times movies just need that extra umph.  Maybe if Stan Winston was still alive, and Rob Bottin got off his lazy (but awesome) artistic ass, they wouldn’t require that extra push.  But dead is dead, being lazy rules, and cgi can’t be stopped….no matter how much I bitch.