Trailer for “ROBOCOP 2014”: Your Move, Creep.

Well I’ll be damned.  They actually went through with it.  They’ve gone and remade yet another movie from our childhood.  I thought this one was just going to be another rumor that would fizzle out.  Nope.  This is for real, folks.  ROBOCOP got remade….and we have the trailer.

“Alien Vs. Hunter” = Totally Unwatchable….Literally

(the tagline says: “Battlezone: EARTH”…like it matters)

Wow.  This is a first.  I have never in my life come across a movie that is such a blatant ripoff.  Really?  Alien Vs. Hunter?  They couldn’t even come up with a vaguely different name?  We’re witnessing a new form of lazy which requires a whole new word.  I mean, who in the hell did they think they were fooling?  They almost got me.  Almost.  Thankfully, they have a crackerjack team of writers over at Netflix.  What they came up with for a synopsis is pure gold:

Game Over: The Life & Adventures Of “EVOLVER”

The late 80’s and early 90’s were a great time to be a kid.  Computer generated effects were in their infancy, the Nintendo Entertainment System was at its peak, and many awesomely-bad sci-fi movies were being pumped out like no tomorrow.  My favorite brand of those films were the ones based around video games that tried to kill the players for real.  Just think about it.  What if Nintendo had the cojones to instal crazy military programing into Robbie The Robot?  Gyromite would’ve been a hell of a lot more difficult, I tell ya what.  I’ll do you one better.  What if Q from Star Trek: TNG was responsible for programing and designing the robot?  We’d be in for a world of shit.  EVOLVER is about that very thing.

Defender Discusses “DAYBREAKERS”

Let’s face it, vampires have been done to death these days.  Everything from turning them into sparkly sissies, giving them an HBO series, and having them go toe-to-toe with a former president has been churned out of tinsel-town lately.  Frankly, I’m sick of it.  They’re everywhere these days and they totally suck…and not in the awesome way.  I was beginning to lose hope that there would never be a truly great vampire movie again.  DAYBREAKERS changed all that.

“Evil Dead” Remake Red Band Trailer

Welp…I’m gonna go kill myself.

The Hobbit: A Most Expected Face-Melting

It certainly makes my nerd balls swell to know that this film finally got it’s shit together.  Let’s just hope we get to see it before that 2012 prediction comes to fruition.  Damn Mayans.  They should just buy a new damn calendar, if you ask me.  Those things are quite cheap and have cute pictures of cats doing adorable things on them.

BANEs, Bats, & Cats: Trailer For “The Dark Knight Rises”

By now the entire world has been made aware of this trailer’s existence.  But I am mostly to blame for the lack of promptness and all around good humor that you all have come to expect from RBM.  Lots of booze and not enough sleep will cause such problems. 

Trapped Under Ice: Red-Band Trailer For “The Thing” Prequel

Since most dopes think this is a sequel/remake, I’m not as bothered as I should be (mostly due to the fact that I have a brain in my head and know my Carpenter movies).  Even the fact that it was created by the same shit-heads that made the atrocious Dawn of the Dead remake hasn’t deterred me.  This looks like it’s going to be fantastic as hell. 

Conan: The Dumb-barian

No amount of prayers will help your movie, Momoa

Since the colossal success of The Lord of the Rings, studio execs have been trying to bank on the grand-scale epicness perfected by Peter Jackson.  He managed to take the works of Tolkien to a level never dreamed possible while sticking true to the story and pacing them beautifully.  Why other directors can’t follow suit is beyond me.  These days they feel the need to bombard their audiences with quick/random cuts, grand swooping shots from the sky, and random scenarios that seem to say “hey, what do ya think of this?”.  Sadly, the 2011 take on the classic epic Conan: The Barbarian did just that.

Celebrating 20 Years Of Hillarity, Hair-balls, and Hoek

That’s right  folks, it was 20 years ago today that Canadian animator/maniac John Kricfalusi warped the minds of 10-12 year olds across the globe.  Never before had toilet humor and outlandish violence been captured so beautifully as it was with the help of an asthma-hound chihuahua and a semi-retarded cat.  But if it wasn’t for the disturbing nonsensical chaos that Ren & Stimpy provided, I probably wouldn’t be the jolly ole Viking that I am today.

Song Of The Day: 6/20/2011

“Weird Al” Yankovic:  Perform This Way

I’ve always been more of an old-school Al fan.  Even though his recent albums are funny as all hell, I still don’t dig the bands he’s been parodying.  But this new video makes my nostalgic heart feel like it’s stuck in a closet with Vanna White every time I hear this killer new shit from that lanky madman with the curly hair.  He managed to rock my face off and disturb me for life all in the span of 15 seconds.  Well played good sir.   Well played.

New Terminator Trailer

It’s going to be hard for them to top T2, but if you ask me this T-X looks to be one bad ass mother eff.

Caught In The Middle: An “X-Men:First Class” Review

One would assume that since MARVEL now has the power to make their own films they’d be able to make flawless comic book movies.  Not so.  Many would simply forget about the Fantastic Four flub, Ghost Rider‘s gaffe, and Electra‘s err…not me.  A good handful of spot on renditions have come to the screen to prove that it can be done correctly.  It just sucks when someone only goes half way.  I just didn’t think the people behind X-Men:  First Class would be in that category.

Song Of The Day: 5/20/2011

“Macho Man” Randy Savage:  Speaking from the Heart

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHH YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH!!!!

Pour One Out For: “Macho Man” Randy Savage 11/15/1953 – 5/20/2011

While a slew of morons are plastering religious nonsense all over the internet, some rather shocking information elbow-dropped me into my own religious experience….and not in a good way.  It seems the greatest, most meticulous, professional wrestler has signed his contract to wrestle for eternity in the halls of Valhalla.  Today, “Macho Man” Randy Savage passed away.  TMZ has all the details that are known as of now.

Song Of The Day: Friday The 13th Edish

Alice Cooper:  He’s Back (The Man Behind The Mask)

How could I let a Friday the 13th slip by without listening to this song?  Sure it’s from one of the lesser Friday movies, but you simply can’t ignore how awesomely amazing this tune is.

Thursday Throwbacks: PHOTON

Remembering things that half the world forgot is one of my many mutant powers (being able to spot a female nipple in one frame of a movie is another one).  Friends contact me at all hours of the night when they get stuck trying to remember something from their child hood, and 90% of the time I have the answer.  It’s that fiendish 10% that gets under my skin.  Every now and then my brain only shows me a few images of things that I should know instantly.  That REEEALLY pisses me off.  But I’m a very patient man.  I know that if I wait long enough (and drink enough booze) the veil will be lifted and the knowledge will be mine.  Today’s “Throwback” took me over 20 damn years, mostly due to a word that will forever haunt me…..PHOTON.

“THOR”: Norse Gods And A Demented Defender

I know what you’re thinking.  “This guy has problems.”  Well, if by problems you mean a strong desire to be awesome, then you’re correct.  Not many people have the balls to fully embrace something they love to the extent that I do, and that’s a shame.  Why wouldn’t you want to absorb might, strength, and power into your daily lives?  The Norsemen had the right idea, so grow a pair and live life the Viking way!  MARVEL studios has been doing just that, and THOR is all the proof you need.

Song Of The Day: 5/6/2011

ManOwaR:  Thor The Powerhead

Since I’ll be going to see THOR on the big screen in a few short hours, there was no other song I could think of to get me pumped enough to slay a few dozen Frost Giants.

America…FUCK YEAH!

By now, most of you know that the jerkface who caused 911 was killed last night.  The government would have you believe it was due to a bullet in the brain by a special ops dude.  Close.  The bullet was actually a 2×4 and the special ops dude was Hacksaw Jim Duggan.  HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!